Recently the theme of projecting has come up in my life. It has been a reoccurring topic in conversations I've been having with several people. It was even mentioned in a recent episode of Glee that I saw watched part if again (and that happened to be one of the parts and it was for a different reason I watched it). The idea that people project their personal feelings onto others is something I haven't given much thought to until tonight.
I was thinking about all these conversations and my situation. I live with my grandma and she doesn't know that I'm bi. She is of an old way of thinking and has a very negative, bigoted, racist and close-minded way of thinking. She is very much against anything to do remotely connected to homosexuality and takes any opportunity she can to bash it. Don't get me wrong, I love my grandma and she is a great lady. She just struggles at times with her compassion to others. This has been a source of struggle for me. Each time she says a negative comment I feel like she is taking a jab at me.
With all the conversations about projecting I've had I thought about her. I was thinking about how she projects her negative habits onto me. She talks about how I eat so poorly and eat lots if sweets and chocolate. She talks a lot about my sleeping habits and lack of exercise and such. I realized that she has been saying these things as a way of projecting her feelings toward herself onto me. It was a breakthrough. Then I realized I've been projecting some of my feelings onto her.
I have been blaming her for some of the negative feelings I've had about myself. I have projected the part of me that still isn't quite comfortable with myself and my same sex attraction onto her. I thought I was completely fine with all of that. While I am for the most part, I realized that my thoughts that I had previous to figuring out all of this about myself, that I have had for (undisclosed amount of) years don't go away over night. I still have to face those thoughts and feelings and work through them. I hadn't been able to because I was denying I had them and projecting them into my grandmother.
I feel that I can take steps forward now that I have come to this realization and start some more of the healing process. I can find ways to more fully love myself.
With that I say:
Much love,
Lonely Boy
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Ostracism and Ogling
Being bi and Mormon comes with many challenges. In previous posts I have talked about a few of those challenges, some more in depth than others. Lately I have been dealing with the many struggles I face on a regular basis.
My girlfriend's family has not been the most supportive. I have had to deal with their behavior and treatment since they found out. I have been ostracized by several of them. They talk about me behind my back, make jokes, look down at me and have even tried to break me and my girlfriend up. They have had family meetings without us to discuss things. My girlfriend has gotten word of these things and has been working with them the best she can. But not once has any of them decided to talk to me. Now I'm not throwing a tantrum like a child wanting attention. What I would like is that they talk to me about their questions and concerns. Talk to me about the problems they have. This is apparently too much to ask. They make a big deal about how I have changed and how I don't interact and talk to them like I used to. This is not because I have changed. It is because they have removed themselves from me. I have attempted conversation but have been met with stiffness and a wall. I do not see that I must continually beat on that wall just to get a little bit of attention from someone. If someone doesn't want to talk to me then I will not push myself continually just to get their leftover scraps of attention.
The other thing that I have been dealing with since I have come out has been the attention I have received. Now this can be seen as good attention. I have struggled with issues of my self-worth. I know that I'm not the most attractive person. I will be honest. I am not in the ugly classification, but I do not feel by any stretch of the imagination do I belong in the hot category. With that being said, lately I have had more attention shown me than I have had my whole life. I was always the consolation prize, the good friend, the brother, the one that the girls would "take one for the team" so their friend could be with the guy she wanted. I was always the wing man for my better looking friends. I was fine with this. I thought it would be nice if I got more, but this was where I was in life and I became ok with my lot in life. If I wanted to change I would have put more effort into improving myself. Then I came out. It was back in October that I started noticing people looking at me and making comments about how good I looked. I had both girls and gay guys flirting with me and eyeing me. I went to a gay club and for the first time in my life someone tried to pick up on me. Last night I was out to dinner with my girlfriend and the waiter kept eyeing me and flirting in little ways (mostly the looks he gave me). Now none of this have I reciprocated. I'm in a relationship and am faithful to her. I would never do that. But it has been something that I have found uncomfortable. You may read this and be like, "Oh you poor thing that you have to deal with people wanting you." For me it has been hard because I feel undesirable and when someone shows me otherwise I feel all my flaws are amplified in my brain and that they wouldn't want me if they knew the real me. I feel also that there is a part of them that is making fun of me by saying that. It amplifies my self image, and that is something that I don't have a good view of.
These things have been some of the things that have added to my struggles lately. They are some of the factors that have kept me awake at night fighting the depression and anxiety attacks off. This is some of the things that those of us that are trying to be faithful members of the LDS church deal with. Hopefully you can either find something to relate to or gain a new or enhanced perspective of what it is like to be attracted to the same gender you are and striving to be a worthy member of the church. If you feel you can relate, hang in there and stay strong.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
My girlfriend's family has not been the most supportive. I have had to deal with their behavior and treatment since they found out. I have been ostracized by several of them. They talk about me behind my back, make jokes, look down at me and have even tried to break me and my girlfriend up. They have had family meetings without us to discuss things. My girlfriend has gotten word of these things and has been working with them the best she can. But not once has any of them decided to talk to me. Now I'm not throwing a tantrum like a child wanting attention. What I would like is that they talk to me about their questions and concerns. Talk to me about the problems they have. This is apparently too much to ask. They make a big deal about how I have changed and how I don't interact and talk to them like I used to. This is not because I have changed. It is because they have removed themselves from me. I have attempted conversation but have been met with stiffness and a wall. I do not see that I must continually beat on that wall just to get a little bit of attention from someone. If someone doesn't want to talk to me then I will not push myself continually just to get their leftover scraps of attention.
The other thing that I have been dealing with since I have come out has been the attention I have received. Now this can be seen as good attention. I have struggled with issues of my self-worth. I know that I'm not the most attractive person. I will be honest. I am not in the ugly classification, but I do not feel by any stretch of the imagination do I belong in the hot category. With that being said, lately I have had more attention shown me than I have had my whole life. I was always the consolation prize, the good friend, the brother, the one that the girls would "take one for the team" so their friend could be with the guy she wanted. I was always the wing man for my better looking friends. I was fine with this. I thought it would be nice if I got more, but this was where I was in life and I became ok with my lot in life. If I wanted to change I would have put more effort into improving myself. Then I came out. It was back in October that I started noticing people looking at me and making comments about how good I looked. I had both girls and gay guys flirting with me and eyeing me. I went to a gay club and for the first time in my life someone tried to pick up on me. Last night I was out to dinner with my girlfriend and the waiter kept eyeing me and flirting in little ways (mostly the looks he gave me). Now none of this have I reciprocated. I'm in a relationship and am faithful to her. I would never do that. But it has been something that I have found uncomfortable. You may read this and be like, "Oh you poor thing that you have to deal with people wanting you." For me it has been hard because I feel undesirable and when someone shows me otherwise I feel all my flaws are amplified in my brain and that they wouldn't want me if they knew the real me. I feel also that there is a part of them that is making fun of me by saying that. It amplifies my self image, and that is something that I don't have a good view of.
These things have been some of the things that have added to my struggles lately. They are some of the factors that have kept me awake at night fighting the depression and anxiety attacks off. This is some of the things that those of us that are trying to be faithful members of the LDS church deal with. Hopefully you can either find something to relate to or gain a new or enhanced perspective of what it is like to be attracted to the same gender you are and striving to be a worthy member of the church. If you feel you can relate, hang in there and stay strong.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Failing and Fighting
I haven't posted lately because of struggles that I've been going through. My demons have been very strong lately and I don't want this blog to be all fluff and happy, optimistic posts but to be real and to show the real life of someone trying to navigate same sex attraction in the LDS Church.
Thanksgiving was not good for me. I have a problem that every time I go to family reunions I end up feeling depressed after. Much of it is the fact that I see all my family with their families and having what I want. This year was hard and I ran into some opposition to my same sex attraction. This lead to a night that I spent up trying to do everything I could to not kill myself. I couldn't go to sleep, as much as I tried. It was not a good night. But I made it through.
I also have been struggling with my eating lately. I have been eating horribly and too much lately. I have put on some more weight. With everything else that I'm dealing with I have been trying to not eat or eat as little as possible. I know anorexia is not good, but I have slipped into it. But I can't even do that right. I've been able to not eat most of the day (except around some people that would have a fit if they knew I wasn't eating). I have had some times that I've even messed up being anorexic. I have given in to eat and I wound up eating a lot. I know you might think that is good but to me I feel like I screwed up just another thing.
Now I tell you these things not to get extra attention or to get help in changing (because I'm stubborn and I'm the only person that can change my bad habits) but to let you know what some of the real struggles go on. The pressure and inner struggle of having same sex attraction can be very hard to deal with. I don't blame these current struggles completely on my same sex attraction, but it is one of the factors. I have been more vulnerable lately and that has been a struggle. I'm not used to being vulnerable. I have avoided it most of my life and vulnerability is not easy to accept, especially when rejection and opposition come. I am working at it but it doesn't come all at once. Also don't get too worried for me. I'm a fighter. I will not let myself go down without a fight.
Much love.
Lonely Boy
Thanksgiving was not good for me. I have a problem that every time I go to family reunions I end up feeling depressed after. Much of it is the fact that I see all my family with their families and having what I want. This year was hard and I ran into some opposition to my same sex attraction. This lead to a night that I spent up trying to do everything I could to not kill myself. I couldn't go to sleep, as much as I tried. It was not a good night. But I made it through.
I also have been struggling with my eating lately. I have been eating horribly and too much lately. I have put on some more weight. With everything else that I'm dealing with I have been trying to not eat or eat as little as possible. I know anorexia is not good, but I have slipped into it. But I can't even do that right. I've been able to not eat most of the day (except around some people that would have a fit if they knew I wasn't eating). I have had some times that I've even messed up being anorexic. I have given in to eat and I wound up eating a lot. I know you might think that is good but to me I feel like I screwed up just another thing.
Now I tell you these things not to get extra attention or to get help in changing (because I'm stubborn and I'm the only person that can change my bad habits) but to let you know what some of the real struggles go on. The pressure and inner struggle of having same sex attraction can be very hard to deal with. I don't blame these current struggles completely on my same sex attraction, but it is one of the factors. I have been more vulnerable lately and that has been a struggle. I'm not used to being vulnerable. I have avoided it most of my life and vulnerability is not easy to accept, especially when rejection and opposition come. I am working at it but it doesn't come all at once. Also don't get too worried for me. I'm a fighter. I will not let myself go down without a fight.
Much love.
Lonely Boy
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Why Lonely Boy
I'm sorry I have not posted recently. Things have been busy in my life, but I have had to deal with some other things beyond just lots to do. To elaborate on some of this will provide you an explanation of why I go by the name Lonely Boy.
From my posts you may think that I would not need to go by the name Lonely Boy. I have a girlfriend that is sticking by my side through this struggle, I have a family that I am close to, I have great friends and extended family that have been loving and supportive (for the most part). Why am I lonely? The reason for this is that even though I have great people in my life there still are times that I feel completely alone. Lately this has been the case. I see my girlfriend almost daily. I live with family and interact with them on a daily basis. I attend a group focused on same-gender attraction weekly and have many friends there. I am a very social person, so much so that my entire October was booked with events and such. But there are times that I feel completely alone and isolated in my life.
These people are great and love me, but I have struggles that I face daily that they do not know about. Lately those struggles have intensified. Things have been good for the last couple years for me. While there are points that have sucked (no steady job, living with family instead of on my own, being single for part of that time, etc.) it has been over-all good. I say that because I look at my life before and it sucked back then. I have had to face depression, suicide, binge eating, anorexia, insomnia, ADHD, health problems, bullying, addictions, self acceptance, family struggles, deaths, poor body image, cutting, people pleasing, poor self image, and a lack of love for myself. I know that can sound like a lot, but I didn't have to deal with all those at once. I faced these demons over the years. I'm a fighter. I come up against something and I will fight my way past it. That fighting spirit is what has kept me going all these years.
It was a couple years ago that I really started making changes in my life. I had some insight about myself and things I was doing that I knew I had to change. Most of this came after my last suicide attempt. These changes helped me get to a better place in life. Most of my past demons where just that, in the past. While I would get down, I hadn't been depressed. I was eating good. I was improving my relationships with others to more healthy ones. I was taking control of my life. Then I realized I was bisexual. That experience with the Lord helped me and brought me to a new level of moving forward and applying the atonement in my life. Things were going great!
But recently there wasn't just a slip or even a fall, but a complete drop or dive into the dark. My demons yanked me back down. I was facing them for the first time in years. I also had all of them come back to hit me all at once. It has been one of the darkest times that I have known facing these problems. But I feel that the progress I have made recently has helped me. This time I have been given upgrades in my armour and skill levels and my fighting ability to combat them (my weak attempt at video game reference/humor- I'm so NOT a gamer). I am not in a position of risk right now, it has been hard and draining. Many people in my life do not know about some of these demons I face. Some of them choose to be ignorant with them. I have told them and we have talked about it, but they refuse to believe me or face the problems I have. I also so not feel there is someone I can completely confide in to help me with my issues. I have many fixers in my life and most of them want to jump right in and start fixing before I am finished telling them my problems, and some jump in before I can actually begin telling my problems. There are few people that will actually listen to me. This is why I have chosen to go by the name Lonely Boy. I feel lonely in my life without someone that I can really talk to and be completely myself and feel loved and appreciated. Sometimes I don't even feel that way with myself.
The one that I turn to the most and helps me the most is my Savior, Jesus Christ. Leaning on Him and seeking His help, along with my Heavenly Father, I have been able to do great things. However, it could really help and make a great difference if there was someone physically present in my life. Until then though, I will keep fighting my fight. I will get through this and everything else that comes my way, whether I have someone help me or not. I know this because I have seen it done before and I have faith in Jesus Christ and His atonement. I know that the Lord will not give me anything I cannot handle (apparently I can handle a lot). As I go through the hard times I may not be the best blogger, but I will continually be a fighter. So all I have to say (with my fists clenched, stance firm, arms up) is "Bring it!"
Much love,
Lonely Boy
From my posts you may think that I would not need to go by the name Lonely Boy. I have a girlfriend that is sticking by my side through this struggle, I have a family that I am close to, I have great friends and extended family that have been loving and supportive (for the most part). Why am I lonely? The reason for this is that even though I have great people in my life there still are times that I feel completely alone. Lately this has been the case. I see my girlfriend almost daily. I live with family and interact with them on a daily basis. I attend a group focused on same-gender attraction weekly and have many friends there. I am a very social person, so much so that my entire October was booked with events and such. But there are times that I feel completely alone and isolated in my life.
These people are great and love me, but I have struggles that I face daily that they do not know about. Lately those struggles have intensified. Things have been good for the last couple years for me. While there are points that have sucked (no steady job, living with family instead of on my own, being single for part of that time, etc.) it has been over-all good. I say that because I look at my life before and it sucked back then. I have had to face depression, suicide, binge eating, anorexia, insomnia, ADHD, health problems, bullying, addictions, self acceptance, family struggles, deaths, poor body image, cutting, people pleasing, poor self image, and a lack of love for myself. I know that can sound like a lot, but I didn't have to deal with all those at once. I faced these demons over the years. I'm a fighter. I come up against something and I will fight my way past it. That fighting spirit is what has kept me going all these years.
It was a couple years ago that I really started making changes in my life. I had some insight about myself and things I was doing that I knew I had to change. Most of this came after my last suicide attempt. These changes helped me get to a better place in life. Most of my past demons where just that, in the past. While I would get down, I hadn't been depressed. I was eating good. I was improving my relationships with others to more healthy ones. I was taking control of my life. Then I realized I was bisexual. That experience with the Lord helped me and brought me to a new level of moving forward and applying the atonement in my life. Things were going great!
But recently there wasn't just a slip or even a fall, but a complete drop or dive into the dark. My demons yanked me back down. I was facing them for the first time in years. I also had all of them come back to hit me all at once. It has been one of the darkest times that I have known facing these problems. But I feel that the progress I have made recently has helped me. This time I have been given upgrades in my armour and skill levels and my fighting ability to combat them (my weak attempt at video game reference/humor- I'm so NOT a gamer). I am not in a position of risk right now, it has been hard and draining. Many people in my life do not know about some of these demons I face. Some of them choose to be ignorant with them. I have told them and we have talked about it, but they refuse to believe me or face the problems I have. I also so not feel there is someone I can completely confide in to help me with my issues. I have many fixers in my life and most of them want to jump right in and start fixing before I am finished telling them my problems, and some jump in before I can actually begin telling my problems. There are few people that will actually listen to me. This is why I have chosen to go by the name Lonely Boy. I feel lonely in my life without someone that I can really talk to and be completely myself and feel loved and appreciated. Sometimes I don't even feel that way with myself.
The one that I turn to the most and helps me the most is my Savior, Jesus Christ. Leaning on Him and seeking His help, along with my Heavenly Father, I have been able to do great things. However, it could really help and make a great difference if there was someone physically present in my life. Until then though, I will keep fighting my fight. I will get through this and everything else that comes my way, whether I have someone help me or not. I know this because I have seen it done before and I have faith in Jesus Christ and His atonement. I know that the Lord will not give me anything I cannot handle (apparently I can handle a lot). As I go through the hard times I may not be the best blogger, but I will continually be a fighter. So all I have to say (with my fists clenched, stance firm, arms up) is "Bring it!"
Much love,
Lonely Boy
Thursday, October 18, 2012
The True Nature of People in Coming Out
In the coming out process I have been able to learn about the true nature of people. Some of it has made me happy, others have made me sad.
My primary concern has been my circle of people I'm close to. I didn't want them to hear about my bisexuality from someone else. I thought it would hurt our relationship more if that happened than me talking to them directly. So I started meeting with them and calling them. I didn't think there would be any problems with them and their reactions to my news. As I talked to all of them, so far (I'm still in the process of getting with them all), they have all been supportive, loving, accepting and have been open and honest. I have had no problems with any of them. They have all realized the truth of the situation: I am the same person I have always been, I'm not changing into someone new, our relationships are still strong, I didn't choose this and this doesn't make me less of a person. They were open with their thoughts towards me and I was open with them. They asked questions and I answered honestly. It has been a good process to learn how good these people are that I have been friends with.
On the other hand I have encountered some people that have not been such great people. My girlfriend's family has not been as receptive. To my face they act friendly and happy but when I'm not there they have a different attitude. When I'm around I can feel the tension and the weariness. I can feel how uncomfortable they are with me. When I'm not around they have tried to convince my girlfriend to get out of the relationship. They have made jokes about being gay. They look down on me and have a problem with everything homosexual. Their true nature has been shown.
*I do have to say that her sister that I've been friends with for a while and her parents have been good and understanding about it.
I have also experienced some tension with my family. They are processing it but are still not great with everything. My mom wants to help me with what she can so it will help "cure" me. Some of them don't talk about it, like it doesn't exist. I love my family and they are doing their best, but it still is a process and they have a ways to go.
The coming out process has been a hard and trying process that has changed some of my relationships and I have lost some friends. But I have seen the good in people. I have experienced the true nature of people and how they are true Christians. This process is a struggle but as I go through it I have been able to find my true friends. I am also able to see the strength I have in myself. Facing the discrimination, rejection and hate is never an easy thing. But for me I have grown in the process and been able to handle what has come my way. I'm so grateful for the strength and blessings The Lord has provided me for this journey.
Much love to you all.
Lonely Boy
My primary concern has been my circle of people I'm close to. I didn't want them to hear about my bisexuality from someone else. I thought it would hurt our relationship more if that happened than me talking to them directly. So I started meeting with them and calling them. I didn't think there would be any problems with them and their reactions to my news. As I talked to all of them, so far (I'm still in the process of getting with them all), they have all been supportive, loving, accepting and have been open and honest. I have had no problems with any of them. They have all realized the truth of the situation: I am the same person I have always been, I'm not changing into someone new, our relationships are still strong, I didn't choose this and this doesn't make me less of a person. They were open with their thoughts towards me and I was open with them. They asked questions and I answered honestly. It has been a good process to learn how good these people are that I have been friends with.
On the other hand I have encountered some people that have not been such great people. My girlfriend's family has not been as receptive. To my face they act friendly and happy but when I'm not there they have a different attitude. When I'm around I can feel the tension and the weariness. I can feel how uncomfortable they are with me. When I'm not around they have tried to convince my girlfriend to get out of the relationship. They have made jokes about being gay. They look down on me and have a problem with everything homosexual. Their true nature has been shown.
*I do have to say that her sister that I've been friends with for a while and her parents have been good and understanding about it.
I have also experienced some tension with my family. They are processing it but are still not great with everything. My mom wants to help me with what she can so it will help "cure" me. Some of them don't talk about it, like it doesn't exist. I love my family and they are doing their best, but it still is a process and they have a ways to go.
The coming out process has been a hard and trying process that has changed some of my relationships and I have lost some friends. But I have seen the good in people. I have experienced the true nature of people and how they are true Christians. This process is a struggle but as I go through it I have been able to find my true friends. I am also able to see the strength I have in myself. Facing the discrimination, rejection and hate is never an easy thing. But for me I have grown in the process and been able to handle what has come my way. I'm so grateful for the strength and blessings The Lord has provided me for this journey.
Much love to you all.
Lonely Boy
Monday, October 8, 2012
Going Public with My Sexuality
My plan originally was to only come out to my family and my girlfriend but that soon changed.
As I was going about dealing with the coming out process with my family I kept looking things up that could be of use to them and me. While I had come to terms with things as a whole and felt comfortable with where I was and where I was headed I still felt I needed more information to help me through this process. I was also meeting and getting to know more people in the LGBT community. In this process I found many stories of people struggling with reconciling their beliefs and their sexuality. I found many myths and negative views and such about homosexuality. It made me sad and frustrated.
This was when I felt that I needed to do something. So after much thought and soul searching I decided that I would start making my story more public. I would help add my voice to those that are out there to help others. I feel that the more there is discussion about these issues the more the facts can come out. It can also help with the way people are treated. It can not only help those that are straight to learn about being LGBT but also those that are struggling with it and coming to terms with their sexuality. I especially thought that it could help in the Mormon community. Help erase some of the hate. I thought it could also show that you can reconcile both sexuality and beliefs and be a bisexual Mormon.
I knew there would be consequences of this decision but I felt the positive outweighed the negative. While now I'm writing anonymously I am doing this because I am currently not in a position to reveal my identity due to my current circumstances in life. One day I may be able to reveal my identity without problems but at this point I can only do what I'm able to.
I also am in the process of coming out to those I'm close to and I want to be the one to tell them and not have them hear it from a third party.
As I was going about dealing with the coming out process with my family I kept looking things up that could be of use to them and me. While I had come to terms with things as a whole and felt comfortable with where I was and where I was headed I still felt I needed more information to help me through this process. I was also meeting and getting to know more people in the LGBT community. In this process I found many stories of people struggling with reconciling their beliefs and their sexuality. I found many myths and negative views and such about homosexuality. It made me sad and frustrated.
This was when I felt that I needed to do something. So after much thought and soul searching I decided that I would start making my story more public. I would help add my voice to those that are out there to help others. I feel that the more there is discussion about these issues the more the facts can come out. It can also help with the way people are treated. It can not only help those that are straight to learn about being LGBT but also those that are struggling with it and coming to terms with their sexuality. I especially thought that it could help in the Mormon community. Help erase some of the hate. I thought it could also show that you can reconcile both sexuality and beliefs and be a bisexual Mormon.
I knew there would be consequences of this decision but I felt the positive outweighed the negative. While now I'm writing anonymously I am doing this because I am currently not in a position to reveal my identity due to my current circumstances in life. One day I may be able to reveal my identity without problems but at this point I can only do what I'm able to.
I also am in the process of coming out to those I'm close to and I want to be the one to tell them and not have them hear it from a third party.
Friday, October 5, 2012
My First Coming Out
Once I had figured out where I stood on things I knew the next step was to come out to people. Before figuring out that I was bisexual I always heard about people coming out to others and I thought it was stupid. I didn't have any problem with their sexuality but didn't see the point in them having to state and tell everyone what it was. Then I came to terms with mine.
If you are straight you don't have to announce your sexuality. You date and move through life normally. But if you aren't then if you were to move through life normally people would have a problem. That is what I learned going through this. The coming out process is somewhat for the person but more for those he/she is coming out to. It is a way for them to know what is going on in the person's life.
Coming out to someone is always hard. You may know the person real well but there is always a question of how they are going to react. If they have never gone through something like this before you always have questions about how they will take the news. There is a risk of rejection and rejection from those that you are closest to is really hard. The thought of it as a possibility is a tough thing to deal with. You always hope for the best but you expect the worst to prepare yourself for that rejection.
For me I wanted to talk about this whole process with someone from the get go. But I didn't know who to talk to. I felt that everyone around me wouldn't get what I was going through or would try to influence me one way or another and I didn't want that. I wanted to find the path that I felt was best for me. So as I saw my family and my girlfriend and other close friends over the first few weeks I would die inside because I knew I couldn't talk to them. One way I process things I go through in life is to talk about them with someone. The act of talking about it, for me, helps me focus my mind and I can think clearer. But I can't just talk out loud to myself. I have to talk to someone. But I couldn't. So I restrained and did my best.
I found a local group that met. I decided to check it out to see if it would be a good thing for me or not. It was nice going there the first time. I felt welcomed and supported. I was able to finally talk out loud to someone. That helped me somewhat. But after a few weeks I knew I would have to come out to my family.
I tried feeling them out. I knew where they stood on gay people in general, they were pretty conservative, but I wasn't sure how they would react to someone directly in their lives. To get a little more practice in I decided to first tell my friend and former mission companion. I had recently reconnected with him on Facebook and found out that he was out as a gay man. But I wasn't sure where he stood with the church and wasn't sure how he would react with me wanting to stay active in the church. But I finally called him. He reacted well and said he knew that was why I was calling. He had known since the mission but knew I wasn't ready. He was supportive and a great friend.
The following week I knew I needed to talk to my family. I started by first coming out to my youngest brother. He and I have been close for years. I just felt that he would be the one for me to come out to first. I arranged with him to meet and we then went for a drive. We talked about stuff as we drove. Once we parked I struggled to tell him. I kept hedging and finally I told him. It all came out in a blubbering mess. I'm not a crier so when I do it isn't pretty. But we sat and talked for a while. I told him about everything. The hardest part for him was the anticipation from my build up. But he expressed his love and support of me.
The next day I was with my girlfriend and it came out. We had a long chat about it. We talked about our relationship and determined that it didn't change anything. I wasn't a blubbering mess this time. I did get a little emotional but I didn't outright cry. She was loving and supportive. She knew something was going on and after we talked she said she felt better.
The day after that I got together with my sister. We talked and I was able to be pretty composed. She took it pretty well too. I figured I wouldn't have too much of a problem with my youngest brother and sister. They are pretty loving and accepting of people, even if they disagree with the person.
The following day, on Wednesday, I decided I was on a roll and just bite the bullet and talk to my other brother. I was nervous to talk to him because he is pretty homophobic. He does not like homosexual people and has very negative reactions to them. I went to his place that night and we talked. We caught up on life and then I told him. I kept things very composed and matter of fact. He was shocked but as we talked his parting thought was the summary of everything. He said, "Just like you can't change how you feel I can't change the way I feel. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that we are family and family comes first." He didn't freak out. He didn't get hateful. He was loving and listened and made sure he knew that as a brother he was there for me.
I was happy. I didn't think my family would react this well. But I knew the next step was my parents. I set up a time for Sunday. When that came I went to their house and we sat down and talked. I came prepared with literature and scriptures and my thoughts and knowledge. We talked and I shared my experiences with this process. They asked questions and then my dad lectured. He is a lecturer. He likes to lecture us kids. He likes to try to teach us so we can avoid problems in our lives. It comes from his love for us. He had many great ideas and thoughts that I thought about and looked at to see if it applied to my life or not. They were not what many would classify as supportive but they were loving and let me know they were there for me.
I had finally done it. I had come out to my family and my girlfriend. I had no plans to tell anyone else. I figured that was all that I had to tell. Later I figured it was not the case but I was in a good place and ready to move on. While my family didn't jump up and embrace the whole LGBT community and such I was happy with how they reacted. They were not negative or hateful. And the one thing that was always there was their love for me.
If you are straight you don't have to announce your sexuality. You date and move through life normally. But if you aren't then if you were to move through life normally people would have a problem. That is what I learned going through this. The coming out process is somewhat for the person but more for those he/she is coming out to. It is a way for them to know what is going on in the person's life.
Coming out to someone is always hard. You may know the person real well but there is always a question of how they are going to react. If they have never gone through something like this before you always have questions about how they will take the news. There is a risk of rejection and rejection from those that you are closest to is really hard. The thought of it as a possibility is a tough thing to deal with. You always hope for the best but you expect the worst to prepare yourself for that rejection.
For me I wanted to talk about this whole process with someone from the get go. But I didn't know who to talk to. I felt that everyone around me wouldn't get what I was going through or would try to influence me one way or another and I didn't want that. I wanted to find the path that I felt was best for me. So as I saw my family and my girlfriend and other close friends over the first few weeks I would die inside because I knew I couldn't talk to them. One way I process things I go through in life is to talk about them with someone. The act of talking about it, for me, helps me focus my mind and I can think clearer. But I can't just talk out loud to myself. I have to talk to someone. But I couldn't. So I restrained and did my best.
I found a local group that met. I decided to check it out to see if it would be a good thing for me or not. It was nice going there the first time. I felt welcomed and supported. I was able to finally talk out loud to someone. That helped me somewhat. But after a few weeks I knew I would have to come out to my family.
I tried feeling them out. I knew where they stood on gay people in general, they were pretty conservative, but I wasn't sure how they would react to someone directly in their lives. To get a little more practice in I decided to first tell my friend and former mission companion. I had recently reconnected with him on Facebook and found out that he was out as a gay man. But I wasn't sure where he stood with the church and wasn't sure how he would react with me wanting to stay active in the church. But I finally called him. He reacted well and said he knew that was why I was calling. He had known since the mission but knew I wasn't ready. He was supportive and a great friend.
The following week I knew I needed to talk to my family. I started by first coming out to my youngest brother. He and I have been close for years. I just felt that he would be the one for me to come out to first. I arranged with him to meet and we then went for a drive. We talked about stuff as we drove. Once we parked I struggled to tell him. I kept hedging and finally I told him. It all came out in a blubbering mess. I'm not a crier so when I do it isn't pretty. But we sat and talked for a while. I told him about everything. The hardest part for him was the anticipation from my build up. But he expressed his love and support of me.
The next day I was with my girlfriend and it came out. We had a long chat about it. We talked about our relationship and determined that it didn't change anything. I wasn't a blubbering mess this time. I did get a little emotional but I didn't outright cry. She was loving and supportive. She knew something was going on and after we talked she said she felt better.
The day after that I got together with my sister. We talked and I was able to be pretty composed. She took it pretty well too. I figured I wouldn't have too much of a problem with my youngest brother and sister. They are pretty loving and accepting of people, even if they disagree with the person.
The following day, on Wednesday, I decided I was on a roll and just bite the bullet and talk to my other brother. I was nervous to talk to him because he is pretty homophobic. He does not like homosexual people and has very negative reactions to them. I went to his place that night and we talked. We caught up on life and then I told him. I kept things very composed and matter of fact. He was shocked but as we talked his parting thought was the summary of everything. He said, "Just like you can't change how you feel I can't change the way I feel. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that we are family and family comes first." He didn't freak out. He didn't get hateful. He was loving and listened and made sure he knew that as a brother he was there for me.
I was happy. I didn't think my family would react this well. But I knew the next step was my parents. I set up a time for Sunday. When that came I went to their house and we sat down and talked. I came prepared with literature and scriptures and my thoughts and knowledge. We talked and I shared my experiences with this process. They asked questions and then my dad lectured. He is a lecturer. He likes to lecture us kids. He likes to try to teach us so we can avoid problems in our lives. It comes from his love for us. He had many great ideas and thoughts that I thought about and looked at to see if it applied to my life or not. They were not what many would classify as supportive but they were loving and let me know they were there for me.
I had finally done it. I had come out to my family and my girlfriend. I had no plans to tell anyone else. I figured that was all that I had to tell. Later I figured it was not the case but I was in a good place and ready to move on. While my family didn't jump up and embrace the whole LGBT community and such I was happy with how they reacted. They were not negative or hateful. And the one thing that was always there was their love for me.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Can I Be Bisexual and Be LDS?
One of the aspects I had to reconcile was my religion. Being LDS and bisexual doesn't just go hand in hand right off the bat. How could I be a faithful member of the LDS church and be bisexual? This was the big question I had to come to terms with and answer for myself.
The answers for me started years ago back when I was in high school. It was back then that I thought I had problems with the church. There were things that I couldn't stand about what I viewed as the church. I started looking to other churches to see about joining another one. As I did this I kept having problems with the other churches. I kept finding things that they taught that I just flat out did not agree with and did not believe. I kept finding that there were a set of beliefs that I had that I could not ignore. Just after high school it finally hit me that I believed in the gospel of Jesus Christ but it was the people that I had issues with. That was when I changed my thinking. I was not going to let the people that I disagreed with and had problems with their thinking get in the way of my beliefs and my salvation.
This was the start of my changing thoughts. Over the years I found that my beliefs and those around me in the church diverged a bit. By no means am I saying that I stopped believing what the church teaches but that I saw what some people thought were doctrine but were more cultural as opposed to actual teachings.
In this process I realized that, to me, there are two parts to the church. There is the core beliefs and doctrine that never changes and is the base of the gospel. Then there is the other part that is changing, shifting, cultural, and fluid. The core part is what I believe. It is the same from the Old Testament to the New Testament to the Book of Mormon to the Doctrine & Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price. They are still taught by the prophets in our day. This is what Christ taught. The other part of the church is what changes with the times. It is influenced by the world around us. That doesn't mean that it isn't from God but I feel it has more influence by people.
The core is where I gain my strength. This is where the basics are found- faith, hope, charity, love, chastity & service. The ordinances & such are found here: baptism, priesthood, temple ordinances, etc. In this space is where the "primary" answers are found- go to church, say your prayers, go to the temple, serve others, read your scriptures. This is the basics that I feel many people overlook because they are basic. I feel as I focus on these my beliefs are strengthened and I grow more.
The other stuff, while I feel is important, it is not what my testimony is based on. This stuff changes as times change. In Old Testament times eating pork wasn't allowed but now we can. In modern times polygamy was set in practice then it was abandoned. Blacks were not allowed to hold the priesthood and then that changed. There is stuff in that realm that is cultural. Not watching "R" rated movies. Not every country has the same rating system. Not drinking caffeine. Some say that is the reason behind the no coffee or tea and therefore we should not drink Pepsi or Coke. But there has been no official ban on Pepsi or Coke. If there was I think half the members here in Utah or more would leave the church or be in bad standings. Some of this realm is influenced by other factors, such as BYU. Some believe to be a good male member you have to have your hair clean cut, but that us just a BYU rule, not doctrine.
For me I have not found anywhere in the core teachings of the gospel that preaches against homosexuality. While it does talk about sexual sin outside of marriage it doesn't discuss same sex attraction. The church may or it may not at some point recognize same sex marriages. However I do not ever think they will allow same sex sealings in the temples. Right or wrong that is what my thoughts are. But I'm not the one in charge so I don't think my thoughts have much of a pull on the church as a whole.
As I shifted my focus on the core that is what has helped me to reconcile my beliefs with who I am. To me the core is unchanging but the outlying stuff can be open for personal interpretation. The Lord has given us the gift of the Holy Ghost to guide us in our lives. As we stay worthy we can receive that guidance to know when something may be different for us as an individual. We are taught that we should pray to find our path in life. As I have prayed I have received that guidance to know where I should go. I have also had the confirmation that it is ok that I am bisexual. It is ok that I have feelings towards men. I just have to keep those feelings in check just as I do with women. But there is nothing wrong with me. I am loved for who I am by my Heavenly Father who made me this way. These feelings are the same ones that I have received over the years that lead me on the Lord's path. They are the ones that gave me my testimony. They are the ones that brought me everything I have gotten from the Lord. These feelings and my experiences combined with the fruits that I have received from this and my beliefs of what I know to be true have lead me to where I am now. I am a worthy, active bisexual member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And I don't plan on changing a thing about that.
The answers for me started years ago back when I was in high school. It was back then that I thought I had problems with the church. There were things that I couldn't stand about what I viewed as the church. I started looking to other churches to see about joining another one. As I did this I kept having problems with the other churches. I kept finding things that they taught that I just flat out did not agree with and did not believe. I kept finding that there were a set of beliefs that I had that I could not ignore. Just after high school it finally hit me that I believed in the gospel of Jesus Christ but it was the people that I had issues with. That was when I changed my thinking. I was not going to let the people that I disagreed with and had problems with their thinking get in the way of my beliefs and my salvation.
This was the start of my changing thoughts. Over the years I found that my beliefs and those around me in the church diverged a bit. By no means am I saying that I stopped believing what the church teaches but that I saw what some people thought were doctrine but were more cultural as opposed to actual teachings.
In this process I realized that, to me, there are two parts to the church. There is the core beliefs and doctrine that never changes and is the base of the gospel. Then there is the other part that is changing, shifting, cultural, and fluid. The core part is what I believe. It is the same from the Old Testament to the New Testament to the Book of Mormon to the Doctrine & Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price. They are still taught by the prophets in our day. This is what Christ taught. The other part of the church is what changes with the times. It is influenced by the world around us. That doesn't mean that it isn't from God but I feel it has more influence by people.
The core is where I gain my strength. This is where the basics are found- faith, hope, charity, love, chastity & service. The ordinances & such are found here: baptism, priesthood, temple ordinances, etc. In this space is where the "primary" answers are found- go to church, say your prayers, go to the temple, serve others, read your scriptures. This is the basics that I feel many people overlook because they are basic. I feel as I focus on these my beliefs are strengthened and I grow more.
The other stuff, while I feel is important, it is not what my testimony is based on. This stuff changes as times change. In Old Testament times eating pork wasn't allowed but now we can. In modern times polygamy was set in practice then it was abandoned. Blacks were not allowed to hold the priesthood and then that changed. There is stuff in that realm that is cultural. Not watching "R" rated movies. Not every country has the same rating system. Not drinking caffeine. Some say that is the reason behind the no coffee or tea and therefore we should not drink Pepsi or Coke. But there has been no official ban on Pepsi or Coke. If there was I think half the members here in Utah or more would leave the church or be in bad standings. Some of this realm is influenced by other factors, such as BYU. Some believe to be a good male member you have to have your hair clean cut, but that us just a BYU rule, not doctrine.
For me I have not found anywhere in the core teachings of the gospel that preaches against homosexuality. While it does talk about sexual sin outside of marriage it doesn't discuss same sex attraction. The church may or it may not at some point recognize same sex marriages. However I do not ever think they will allow same sex sealings in the temples. Right or wrong that is what my thoughts are. But I'm not the one in charge so I don't think my thoughts have much of a pull on the church as a whole.
As I shifted my focus on the core that is what has helped me to reconcile my beliefs with who I am. To me the core is unchanging but the outlying stuff can be open for personal interpretation. The Lord has given us the gift of the Holy Ghost to guide us in our lives. As we stay worthy we can receive that guidance to know when something may be different for us as an individual. We are taught that we should pray to find our path in life. As I have prayed I have received that guidance to know where I should go. I have also had the confirmation that it is ok that I am bisexual. It is ok that I have feelings towards men. I just have to keep those feelings in check just as I do with women. But there is nothing wrong with me. I am loved for who I am by my Heavenly Father who made me this way. These feelings are the same ones that I have received over the years that lead me on the Lord's path. They are the ones that gave me my testimony. They are the ones that brought me everything I have gotten from the Lord. These feelings and my experiences combined with the fruits that I have received from this and my beliefs of what I know to be true have lead me to where I am now. I am a worthy, active bisexual member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And I don't plan on changing a thing about that.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Now What?
Accepting the fact that I was bisexual has turned out to be the easiest part of this whole thing for me. One of the next things I had to do was to reconcile my bisexuality with my life and my beliefs. This was quite the process.
I set out to learn everything I could about being bisexual. I looked up all the YouTube videos I could. I found all the blogs I could. I looked up as many websites I could. I read everything on the Internet I could find. I took time for self reflection. One thing I took up was running. I have ADHD and for me running helps me focus my thoughts. I read my journals, scriptures and other personal and religious documents. I knew that in order to find out which direction my life was going to take I had to learn about my options, my future, my past and what I really want from life.
As I learned I realized that I'm the same I was before, just with a better knowledge of myself. I also realized that my goals in life were still the same. Many aspects of my life were not going to change with this new knowledge. The biggest reconciliation would come with my religion.
I set out to learn everything I could about being bisexual. I looked up all the YouTube videos I could. I found all the blogs I could. I looked up as many websites I could. I read everything on the Internet I could find. I took time for self reflection. One thing I took up was running. I have ADHD and for me running helps me focus my thoughts. I read my journals, scriptures and other personal and religious documents. I knew that in order to find out which direction my life was going to take I had to learn about my options, my future, my past and what I really want from life.
As I learned I realized that I'm the same I was before, just with a better knowledge of myself. I also realized that my goals in life were still the same. Many aspects of my life were not going to change with this new knowledge. The biggest reconciliation would come with my religion.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
The First Person I Came Out To: Myself
One evening I was laying in my bed with my laptop randomly surfing. Over the years of struggling with my attraction to guys I was almost at a point of giving up on my ability to deal with it. I had started branching out in my searches. This particular Thursday night I was on YouTube and I decided to look up "gay Mormon" and what came up was an "It Gets Better" video from BYU students. This was something I had never seen before. I had seen many "It Gets Better" videos but none that were from someone that was a practicing LDS person. So I decided to click on one and watch it. I started with the compilation one. Once it was done I was captivated. I then went on to watch all the rest of them. I could not get enough. I had never found something that resonated with me so much. I knew what these people were saying. I connected to them for some reason. But I wasn't too sure why. Why did these videos hit me so powerfully?
I thought about them that night, the next day and the following. That Saturday I had a day full of events that caused a lot of self-reflection on life. That night I decided I was going to pray. Many of the people in the videos talked about praying to Heavenly Father about their feelings of homosexuality. That was what I was going to do. So as I was about to go to bed I decided to do just that. I prayed. This prayer ended up being a prayer unlike any other. As I prayed I decided to lay everything on the table. As I prayed I started a conversation with the Lord. Over the days leading up to this I had figured out that I wasn't flat out gay, but that I did have attraction to guys along with girls. This was when I concluded that I was most likely bisexual. I then asked my Heavenly Father if it was ok that I was bisexual. I then felt such an overwhelming love from my Heavenly Father come over me. I knew that I was loved- that I was completely loved, every aspect and part of me, including my bisexuality. I felt that God was there and had been waiting for me to talk to Him about not only this but many aspects of my life that I had been struggling with. So this started a several hours long conversation between us about everything in my life. I laid it all out for the Lord. It was during this conversation that I found several things out.
1- That it was ok that I was bisexual.
2- That this was a part of me and that was not there as a mistake.
3- That I was loved by my Heavenly Father completely.
4- That by turning everything over to the Lord that I would be fine in life.
I accepted that I was bisexual but I didn't know where to go from there. That night I knew that it was time to go to bed and that I could figure out the rest of it the next day. I slept the better that night than I had in years. The next day I went to church and then set out to figure my next move. I knew I would stay involved and active in the church. The Lord was helping me through this and wanted me to participate in His gospel. I also knew I needed to learn about what I was going through. I then learned that eventually I could share this with others. My fear that no one could ever love me completely was false. I knew that if my Heavenly Father could love me completely then others could too.
I knew things would be alright in my life. I knew that whatever path I was to take that my life would get better. I didn't know what path I would be on. I didn't know what life was to bring. All I knew was that as I trusted the Lord I would be in His hands and that He would take care of me. I was finally comfortable with who I was as a person and as a son of my Heavenly Father.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
I thought about them that night, the next day and the following. That Saturday I had a day full of events that caused a lot of self-reflection on life. That night I decided I was going to pray. Many of the people in the videos talked about praying to Heavenly Father about their feelings of homosexuality. That was what I was going to do. So as I was about to go to bed I decided to do just that. I prayed. This prayer ended up being a prayer unlike any other. As I prayed I decided to lay everything on the table. As I prayed I started a conversation with the Lord. Over the days leading up to this I had figured out that I wasn't flat out gay, but that I did have attraction to guys along with girls. This was when I concluded that I was most likely bisexual. I then asked my Heavenly Father if it was ok that I was bisexual. I then felt such an overwhelming love from my Heavenly Father come over me. I knew that I was loved- that I was completely loved, every aspect and part of me, including my bisexuality. I felt that God was there and had been waiting for me to talk to Him about not only this but many aspects of my life that I had been struggling with. So this started a several hours long conversation between us about everything in my life. I laid it all out for the Lord. It was during this conversation that I found several things out.
1- That it was ok that I was bisexual.
2- That this was a part of me and that was not there as a mistake.
3- That I was loved by my Heavenly Father completely.
4- That by turning everything over to the Lord that I would be fine in life.
I accepted that I was bisexual but I didn't know where to go from there. That night I knew that it was time to go to bed and that I could figure out the rest of it the next day. I slept the better that night than I had in years. The next day I went to church and then set out to figure my next move. I knew I would stay involved and active in the church. The Lord was helping me through this and wanted me to participate in His gospel. I also knew I needed to learn about what I was going through. I then learned that eventually I could share this with others. My fear that no one could ever love me completely was false. I knew that if my Heavenly Father could love me completely then others could too.
I knew things would be alright in my life. I knew that whatever path I was to take that my life would get better. I didn't know what path I would be on. I didn't know what life was to bring. All I knew was that as I trusted the Lord I would be in His hands and that He would take care of me. I was finally comfortable with who I was as a person and as a son of my Heavenly Father.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
Thursday, September 13, 2012
My Secret Shame and Struggle
While I recently learned and came to accept the part of me that is attracted to guys, it did not just develop over night. Feelings of attraction like this just don't come on suddenly. For me this started years ago. Junior high was when I can first remember thinking a guy was cute. For me, when that would happen, I would fight with myself. I would berate myself for having those thoughts and feelings. I would keep it to myself and try to change the thoughts. Because of this constant trying to rid myself of these thoughts and feelings it would keep it in my mind. I knew that no one could ever find out about this dark secret. It was unacceptable and if anyone ever found out I knew that would be the end of everything. Yes, I was also into girls too, and there were plenty that I had crushes on and was interested in, but there were always the guys too. This continued on over the years.
Being attracted to girls and guys confused me. The attraction to guys made me wonder if I was gay. But because of my attraction to girls I kept telling myself that I wasn't. If I was gay I would not be attracted to girls like I was. As I had these thoughts and feelings I was mortified by them. I told myself that no one could ever know. It was my shame and my secret burden. I thought that if anyone knew they would hate me. I thought that if they knew there would be no way they would love and accept me. So I kept it to myself. I hated that part of me. It was a side that I felt loathing for and figured if I hated it then everyone else would hate me if they knew about it too. How could someone love me if they knew I felt this way? I was taught that homosexuality was a sin and therefore felt that I was filled with sin. Sometimes I felt there was no hope for me.
Having these feelings brought on several challenges. One thing this secret helped me to develop was my ability to subtly check people out. I had to be aware of all my actions. I couldn't allow myself to overtly check out another guy, I had to monitor the way I spoke, I made sure my interactions with other guys was always appropriate and I had to have the right interaction with girls. It was overwhelming at times. Sometimes I would slip for a moment and people would question me but I would go into denial mode. I had enough time that I was doing all the "completely straight" things that I could easily dissuade those people.
Having these feelings brought on several challenges. One thing this secret helped me to develop was my ability to subtly check people out. I had to be aware of all my actions. I couldn't allow myself to overtly check out another guy, I had to monitor the way I spoke, I made sure my interactions with other guys was always appropriate and I had to have the right interaction with girls. It was overwhelming at times. Sometimes I would slip for a moment and people would question me but I would go into denial mode. I had enough time that I was doing all the "completely straight" things that I could easily dissuade those people.
There were a few times that I did little things to somewhat flirt with a few guys. I would put myself in a position that they could better check me out. But I never did it too much so that I would give myself away. When those times happened I would be in my mind yelling at myself to stop but I couldn't physically stop myself.
I tried to develop my spiritual side. I thought that if I did everything I could, if I prayed, if I read my scriptures, if I was completely obedient that I would have this taken from me; that I would be changed. On my mission I did my best to be the best missionary I could and follow what the Lord would have me do. I never had any problems with attraction to any if my companions. I also didn't have any problems with attraction to any of the girls. I was serving the Lord and was focused on that work. A change never happened. Finally I gave up that notion. I realized that I could not be that perfect, ever. I kept trying to be good but I knew I was never going to be good enough to have it taken from me. I figured I was doomed to have this with me and to struggle with it for life. I would have to suffer in silence for the rest of my life.
After my mission I returned home and went to school. I did my best at dating. I went on so many dates I honestly can't remember them all. But I never was successful. The girls weren't into me or I wasn't into them. After graduating from Salt Lake Community College I went to BYU. I never wanted to go there but I knew that was where the Lord wanted me to go. At BYU things were the same. I dated girls, but still struggled with my attraction to guys. It was toward the end of my time there I started seeing a therapist. They tried to get me to confront my attraction to guys, but I wasn't ready to talk about it. I brushed it off and they didn't push the matter. I kept telling myself that since I was attracted to girls I was straight and not gay and that there was just this rogue part of me that I somehow had to find a way to kill and replace it with something else. I graduated and got a job and continued on with life. I was active in the church on and off, for various other reasons, until I finally left the BYU student wards and went into a family stake singles ward. This ward was amazing. I finally learned what a ward family was like. My testimony and knowledge of the gospel grew as did my circle of friends. They loved me for me. I thought they were acting friendly to re-activate me at first, but then I figured out that there are people this nice out there. I had actually found genuinely good people that lived the gospel. As I served and formed bonds of friendships with my new ward family I thought that finally having normal male friendships would solve everything. I had heard that gay tendencies can come from a lack of normal male bonding, friendships and interactions. I had always, with the exception of the mission, struggled making friend's with guys. I always found it easier to be friends with girls. As these new friendships grew my attraction to guys never diminished. It was disheartening, to say the least. Here I had done everything I could to rid myself of these feelings and nothing worked. I had even tried to have a better relationship with my father because I had heard that was also a cause of these types of feelings. It was great for our relationship, but my attraction to guys never diminished or went away.
It was about this time I lost my job and had to move in with my grandma. I was greatly discouraged. Some thought I was depressed, but having been through depression many times I can say I wasn't. I was down or discouraged but I wasn't so far gone that I would call it depression. It seemed like everything I did was never good enough. It was during this time I contemplated giving up and giving in to my attraction but my heart was never fully in it.
After my mission I returned home and went to school. I did my best at dating. I went on so many dates I honestly can't remember them all. But I never was successful. The girls weren't into me or I wasn't into them. After graduating from Salt Lake Community College I went to BYU. I never wanted to go there but I knew that was where the Lord wanted me to go. At BYU things were the same. I dated girls, but still struggled with my attraction to guys. It was toward the end of my time there I started seeing a therapist. They tried to get me to confront my attraction to guys, but I wasn't ready to talk about it. I brushed it off and they didn't push the matter. I kept telling myself that since I was attracted to girls I was straight and not gay and that there was just this rogue part of me that I somehow had to find a way to kill and replace it with something else. I graduated and got a job and continued on with life. I was active in the church on and off, for various other reasons, until I finally left the BYU student wards and went into a family stake singles ward. This ward was amazing. I finally learned what a ward family was like. My testimony and knowledge of the gospel grew as did my circle of friends. They loved me for me. I thought they were acting friendly to re-activate me at first, but then I figured out that there are people this nice out there. I had actually found genuinely good people that lived the gospel. As I served and formed bonds of friendships with my new ward family I thought that finally having normal male friendships would solve everything. I had heard that gay tendencies can come from a lack of normal male bonding, friendships and interactions. I had always, with the exception of the mission, struggled making friend's with guys. I always found it easier to be friends with girls. As these new friendships grew my attraction to guys never diminished. It was disheartening, to say the least. Here I had done everything I could to rid myself of these feelings and nothing worked. I had even tried to have a better relationship with my father because I had heard that was also a cause of these types of feelings. It was great for our relationship, but my attraction to guys never diminished or went away.
It was about this time I lost my job and had to move in with my grandma. I was greatly discouraged. Some thought I was depressed, but having been through depression many times I can say I wasn't. I was down or discouraged but I wasn't so far gone that I would call it depression. It seemed like everything I did was never good enough. It was during this time I contemplated giving up and giving in to my attraction but my heart was never fully in it.
This lead me to finally accepting not only that I was attracted to girls but also guys. I will leave that story for a later post, since this one is about my struggle over the years with my attraction and feelings to other guys.
I hope this sheds a little light on what it's like to struggle with something like this. Just know that no matter what you struggle with, you are not alone. Take it from me.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Beginning Somewhere
Now that I have set this blog up I guess I have to begin it somewhere. I have never been good at blogs. I have always struggled to write on a regular basis. But I suppose that can change. Recently I have been making all kinds of changes in my life. I am finally becoming who I know I truly am inside. So while I may not be a consistent writer, that doesn't mean that I still can't write consistently.
For this first post I will give a little background and some reasons I started this blog. One thing to know about me is I have ADHD. So some of these posts may jump around and be all over the place, but I will do my best to keep them clear and on some sort of track.
About a month ago I finally came out to myself and accepted the fact that I was bisexual. I always knew that I was attracted to women. That was never in denial. My attraction to guys, however, was a part of me that I tried my best to ignore, deny and get rid of. This acceptance ultimately lead to my acceptance of every part of who I was at that time. I accepted me for who I was, flaws and all. This then lead to me finally being able to start making lasting changes in myself that were standing in the way of me being true to myself and being happy in life. (These will be talked about in more detail in later posts.)
One thing about me is I love people. I also want to help people. I have realized that there are many out there that might be able to gain something from my experiences; whether it is the realization that you are not alone in your struggles, that you gained some additional insight into how someone can think differently than you, that there are people out there silently struggling, or maybe that some of your prejudices and hatred may be changed to show more compassion to others.
With that being said, I welcome comments and feedback from those that read this blog. I do ask that those comments not include hateful, vulgar, crude, obscene or foul language. I want this to be a place of positive exchange, understanding and upliftment. You can disagree without being negative. I actually embrace disagreements. Everyone is different. We all think differently and have differing opinions. I think it is our diversity that enhances the human condition. It makes us all more unique and interesting and helps move us forward. But if those differences are attacked rather than celebrated it brings us backwards.
So I hope you enjoy this blog.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
For this first post I will give a little background and some reasons I started this blog. One thing to know about me is I have ADHD. So some of these posts may jump around and be all over the place, but I will do my best to keep them clear and on some sort of track.
About a month ago I finally came out to myself and accepted the fact that I was bisexual. I always knew that I was attracted to women. That was never in denial. My attraction to guys, however, was a part of me that I tried my best to ignore, deny and get rid of. This acceptance ultimately lead to my acceptance of every part of who I was at that time. I accepted me for who I was, flaws and all. This then lead to me finally being able to start making lasting changes in myself that were standing in the way of me being true to myself and being happy in life. (These will be talked about in more detail in later posts.)
One thing about me is I love people. I also want to help people. I have realized that there are many out there that might be able to gain something from my experiences; whether it is the realization that you are not alone in your struggles, that you gained some additional insight into how someone can think differently than you, that there are people out there silently struggling, or maybe that some of your prejudices and hatred may be changed to show more compassion to others.
With that being said, I welcome comments and feedback from those that read this blog. I do ask that those comments not include hateful, vulgar, crude, obscene or foul language. I want this to be a place of positive exchange, understanding and upliftment. You can disagree without being negative. I actually embrace disagreements. Everyone is different. We all think differently and have differing opinions. I think it is our diversity that enhances the human condition. It makes us all more unique and interesting and helps move us forward. But if those differences are attacked rather than celebrated it brings us backwards.
So I hope you enjoy this blog.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
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