In the coming out process I have been able to learn about the true nature of people. Some of it has made me happy, others have made me sad.
My primary concern has been my circle of people I'm close to. I didn't want them to hear about my bisexuality from someone else. I thought it would hurt our relationship more if that happened than me talking to them directly. So I started meeting with them and calling them. I didn't think there would be any problems with them and their reactions to my news. As I talked to all of them, so far (I'm still in the process of getting with them all), they have all been supportive, loving, accepting and have been open and honest. I have had no problems with any of them. They have all realized the truth of the situation: I am the same person I have always been, I'm not changing into someone new, our relationships are still strong, I didn't choose this and this doesn't make me less of a person. They were open with their thoughts towards me and I was open with them. They asked questions and I answered honestly. It has been a good process to learn how good these people are that I have been friends with.
On the other hand I have encountered some people that have not been such great people. My girlfriend's family has not been as receptive. To my face they act friendly and happy but when I'm not there they have a different attitude. When I'm around I can feel the tension and the weariness. I can feel how uncomfortable they are with me. When I'm not around they have tried to convince my girlfriend to get out of the relationship. They have made jokes about being gay. They look down on me and have a problem with everything homosexual. Their true nature has been shown.
*I do have to say that her sister that I've been friends with for a while and her parents have been good and understanding about it.
I have also experienced some tension with my family. They are processing it but are still not great with everything. My mom wants to help me with what she can so it will help "cure" me. Some of them don't talk about it, like it doesn't exist. I love my family and they are doing their best, but it still is a process and they have a ways to go.
The coming out process has been a hard and trying process that has changed some of my relationships and I have lost some friends. But I have seen the good in people. I have experienced the true nature of people and how they are true Christians. This process is a struggle but as I go through it I have been able to find my true friends. I am also able to see the strength I have in myself. Facing the discrimination, rejection and hate is never an easy thing. But for me I have grown in the process and been able to handle what has come my way. I'm so grateful for the strength and blessings The Lord has provided me for this journey.
Much love to you all.
Lonely Boy
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
Going Public with My Sexuality
My plan originally was to only come out to my family and my girlfriend but that soon changed.
As I was going about dealing with the coming out process with my family I kept looking things up that could be of use to them and me. While I had come to terms with things as a whole and felt comfortable with where I was and where I was headed I still felt I needed more information to help me through this process. I was also meeting and getting to know more people in the LGBT community. In this process I found many stories of people struggling with reconciling their beliefs and their sexuality. I found many myths and negative views and such about homosexuality. It made me sad and frustrated.
This was when I felt that I needed to do something. So after much thought and soul searching I decided that I would start making my story more public. I would help add my voice to those that are out there to help others. I feel that the more there is discussion about these issues the more the facts can come out. It can also help with the way people are treated. It can not only help those that are straight to learn about being LGBT but also those that are struggling with it and coming to terms with their sexuality. I especially thought that it could help in the Mormon community. Help erase some of the hate. I thought it could also show that you can reconcile both sexuality and beliefs and be a bisexual Mormon.
I knew there would be consequences of this decision but I felt the positive outweighed the negative. While now I'm writing anonymously I am doing this because I am currently not in a position to reveal my identity due to my current circumstances in life. One day I may be able to reveal my identity without problems but at this point I can only do what I'm able to.
I also am in the process of coming out to those I'm close to and I want to be the one to tell them and not have them hear it from a third party.
As I was going about dealing with the coming out process with my family I kept looking things up that could be of use to them and me. While I had come to terms with things as a whole and felt comfortable with where I was and where I was headed I still felt I needed more information to help me through this process. I was also meeting and getting to know more people in the LGBT community. In this process I found many stories of people struggling with reconciling their beliefs and their sexuality. I found many myths and negative views and such about homosexuality. It made me sad and frustrated.
This was when I felt that I needed to do something. So after much thought and soul searching I decided that I would start making my story more public. I would help add my voice to those that are out there to help others. I feel that the more there is discussion about these issues the more the facts can come out. It can also help with the way people are treated. It can not only help those that are straight to learn about being LGBT but also those that are struggling with it and coming to terms with their sexuality. I especially thought that it could help in the Mormon community. Help erase some of the hate. I thought it could also show that you can reconcile both sexuality and beliefs and be a bisexual Mormon.
I knew there would be consequences of this decision but I felt the positive outweighed the negative. While now I'm writing anonymously I am doing this because I am currently not in a position to reveal my identity due to my current circumstances in life. One day I may be able to reveal my identity without problems but at this point I can only do what I'm able to.
I also am in the process of coming out to those I'm close to and I want to be the one to tell them and not have them hear it from a third party.
Friday, October 5, 2012
My First Coming Out
Once I had figured out where I stood on things I knew the next step was to come out to people. Before figuring out that I was bisexual I always heard about people coming out to others and I thought it was stupid. I didn't have any problem with their sexuality but didn't see the point in them having to state and tell everyone what it was. Then I came to terms with mine.
If you are straight you don't have to announce your sexuality. You date and move through life normally. But if you aren't then if you were to move through life normally people would have a problem. That is what I learned going through this. The coming out process is somewhat for the person but more for those he/she is coming out to. It is a way for them to know what is going on in the person's life.
Coming out to someone is always hard. You may know the person real well but there is always a question of how they are going to react. If they have never gone through something like this before you always have questions about how they will take the news. There is a risk of rejection and rejection from those that you are closest to is really hard. The thought of it as a possibility is a tough thing to deal with. You always hope for the best but you expect the worst to prepare yourself for that rejection.
For me I wanted to talk about this whole process with someone from the get go. But I didn't know who to talk to. I felt that everyone around me wouldn't get what I was going through or would try to influence me one way or another and I didn't want that. I wanted to find the path that I felt was best for me. So as I saw my family and my girlfriend and other close friends over the first few weeks I would die inside because I knew I couldn't talk to them. One way I process things I go through in life is to talk about them with someone. The act of talking about it, for me, helps me focus my mind and I can think clearer. But I can't just talk out loud to myself. I have to talk to someone. But I couldn't. So I restrained and did my best.
I found a local group that met. I decided to check it out to see if it would be a good thing for me or not. It was nice going there the first time. I felt welcomed and supported. I was able to finally talk out loud to someone. That helped me somewhat. But after a few weeks I knew I would have to come out to my family.
I tried feeling them out. I knew where they stood on gay people in general, they were pretty conservative, but I wasn't sure how they would react to someone directly in their lives. To get a little more practice in I decided to first tell my friend and former mission companion. I had recently reconnected with him on Facebook and found out that he was out as a gay man. But I wasn't sure where he stood with the church and wasn't sure how he would react with me wanting to stay active in the church. But I finally called him. He reacted well and said he knew that was why I was calling. He had known since the mission but knew I wasn't ready. He was supportive and a great friend.
The following week I knew I needed to talk to my family. I started by first coming out to my youngest brother. He and I have been close for years. I just felt that he would be the one for me to come out to first. I arranged with him to meet and we then went for a drive. We talked about stuff as we drove. Once we parked I struggled to tell him. I kept hedging and finally I told him. It all came out in a blubbering mess. I'm not a crier so when I do it isn't pretty. But we sat and talked for a while. I told him about everything. The hardest part for him was the anticipation from my build up. But he expressed his love and support of me.
The next day I was with my girlfriend and it came out. We had a long chat about it. We talked about our relationship and determined that it didn't change anything. I wasn't a blubbering mess this time. I did get a little emotional but I didn't outright cry. She was loving and supportive. She knew something was going on and after we talked she said she felt better.
The day after that I got together with my sister. We talked and I was able to be pretty composed. She took it pretty well too. I figured I wouldn't have too much of a problem with my youngest brother and sister. They are pretty loving and accepting of people, even if they disagree with the person.
The following day, on Wednesday, I decided I was on a roll and just bite the bullet and talk to my other brother. I was nervous to talk to him because he is pretty homophobic. He does not like homosexual people and has very negative reactions to them. I went to his place that night and we talked. We caught up on life and then I told him. I kept things very composed and matter of fact. He was shocked but as we talked his parting thought was the summary of everything. He said, "Just like you can't change how you feel I can't change the way I feel. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that we are family and family comes first." He didn't freak out. He didn't get hateful. He was loving and listened and made sure he knew that as a brother he was there for me.
I was happy. I didn't think my family would react this well. But I knew the next step was my parents. I set up a time for Sunday. When that came I went to their house and we sat down and talked. I came prepared with literature and scriptures and my thoughts and knowledge. We talked and I shared my experiences with this process. They asked questions and then my dad lectured. He is a lecturer. He likes to lecture us kids. He likes to try to teach us so we can avoid problems in our lives. It comes from his love for us. He had many great ideas and thoughts that I thought about and looked at to see if it applied to my life or not. They were not what many would classify as supportive but they were loving and let me know they were there for me.
I had finally done it. I had come out to my family and my girlfriend. I had no plans to tell anyone else. I figured that was all that I had to tell. Later I figured it was not the case but I was in a good place and ready to move on. While my family didn't jump up and embrace the whole LGBT community and such I was happy with how they reacted. They were not negative or hateful. And the one thing that was always there was their love for me.
If you are straight you don't have to announce your sexuality. You date and move through life normally. But if you aren't then if you were to move through life normally people would have a problem. That is what I learned going through this. The coming out process is somewhat for the person but more for those he/she is coming out to. It is a way for them to know what is going on in the person's life.
Coming out to someone is always hard. You may know the person real well but there is always a question of how they are going to react. If they have never gone through something like this before you always have questions about how they will take the news. There is a risk of rejection and rejection from those that you are closest to is really hard. The thought of it as a possibility is a tough thing to deal with. You always hope for the best but you expect the worst to prepare yourself for that rejection.
For me I wanted to talk about this whole process with someone from the get go. But I didn't know who to talk to. I felt that everyone around me wouldn't get what I was going through or would try to influence me one way or another and I didn't want that. I wanted to find the path that I felt was best for me. So as I saw my family and my girlfriend and other close friends over the first few weeks I would die inside because I knew I couldn't talk to them. One way I process things I go through in life is to talk about them with someone. The act of talking about it, for me, helps me focus my mind and I can think clearer. But I can't just talk out loud to myself. I have to talk to someone. But I couldn't. So I restrained and did my best.
I found a local group that met. I decided to check it out to see if it would be a good thing for me or not. It was nice going there the first time. I felt welcomed and supported. I was able to finally talk out loud to someone. That helped me somewhat. But after a few weeks I knew I would have to come out to my family.
I tried feeling them out. I knew where they stood on gay people in general, they were pretty conservative, but I wasn't sure how they would react to someone directly in their lives. To get a little more practice in I decided to first tell my friend and former mission companion. I had recently reconnected with him on Facebook and found out that he was out as a gay man. But I wasn't sure where he stood with the church and wasn't sure how he would react with me wanting to stay active in the church. But I finally called him. He reacted well and said he knew that was why I was calling. He had known since the mission but knew I wasn't ready. He was supportive and a great friend.
The following week I knew I needed to talk to my family. I started by first coming out to my youngest brother. He and I have been close for years. I just felt that he would be the one for me to come out to first. I arranged with him to meet and we then went for a drive. We talked about stuff as we drove. Once we parked I struggled to tell him. I kept hedging and finally I told him. It all came out in a blubbering mess. I'm not a crier so when I do it isn't pretty. But we sat and talked for a while. I told him about everything. The hardest part for him was the anticipation from my build up. But he expressed his love and support of me.
The next day I was with my girlfriend and it came out. We had a long chat about it. We talked about our relationship and determined that it didn't change anything. I wasn't a blubbering mess this time. I did get a little emotional but I didn't outright cry. She was loving and supportive. She knew something was going on and after we talked she said she felt better.
The day after that I got together with my sister. We talked and I was able to be pretty composed. She took it pretty well too. I figured I wouldn't have too much of a problem with my youngest brother and sister. They are pretty loving and accepting of people, even if they disagree with the person.
The following day, on Wednesday, I decided I was on a roll and just bite the bullet and talk to my other brother. I was nervous to talk to him because he is pretty homophobic. He does not like homosexual people and has very negative reactions to them. I went to his place that night and we talked. We caught up on life and then I told him. I kept things very composed and matter of fact. He was shocked but as we talked his parting thought was the summary of everything. He said, "Just like you can't change how you feel I can't change the way I feel. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that we are family and family comes first." He didn't freak out. He didn't get hateful. He was loving and listened and made sure he knew that as a brother he was there for me.
I was happy. I didn't think my family would react this well. But I knew the next step was my parents. I set up a time for Sunday. When that came I went to their house and we sat down and talked. I came prepared with literature and scriptures and my thoughts and knowledge. We talked and I shared my experiences with this process. They asked questions and then my dad lectured. He is a lecturer. He likes to lecture us kids. He likes to try to teach us so we can avoid problems in our lives. It comes from his love for us. He had many great ideas and thoughts that I thought about and looked at to see if it applied to my life or not. They were not what many would classify as supportive but they were loving and let me know they were there for me.
I had finally done it. I had come out to my family and my girlfriend. I had no plans to tell anyone else. I figured that was all that I had to tell. Later I figured it was not the case but I was in a good place and ready to move on. While my family didn't jump up and embrace the whole LGBT community and such I was happy with how they reacted. They were not negative or hateful. And the one thing that was always there was their love for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)