Sorry I haven't been on in a while. I am alive. Things have just gotten crazy busy. I have gotten involved in the leadership of a group that I attend. In that process I will be making a video talking about my experiences. Knowing this I have decided to go completely public with my sexuality. I have seen many friends do this over the last few weeks and I decided that I will make a video to come out to everyone. Film is what I excel at so I figured that I would do it that way to come out. That way I can do it my way and so people can hear it in my voice. Hopefully it can dive home the points I am trying to make a little more. But I have been working on the video for a while now.
Those things and work and relationships and everything else have all come at once. My family is not happy with my decision to go public. It has caused some friction there. I have also been going through a rough time with my girlfriend. I am finding that relationships are hard. I'm hoping that we can work through things. (I'm not going to go into the details because they are things that any relationship may struggle with and I want this blog to be more focused on other stuff than normal relationship issues- or at least this post.) Those have kept me very busy.
So because I had so much on my plate I decided I wasn't busy enough and I auditioned for a play and got a part. It is a dramatic reading of the play "8". It is based on the court proceedings of the Proposition 8 case in California. It is a cool play and I'm excited to be in it. I am playing one of the gay couples. I know that I should have more of a stand on this issue, but I personally don't really have a stand. I haven't taken a side yet. I have compelling reasons to take either side. I'm not a fence sitter I just haven't gotten a personal conviction to either side yet. I know it will come. I end up choosing a side. But right now I haven't. But no matter which side you fall on the issue the information that is presented in the play is very informative and interesting. Plus I am happy to get back into acting. It is a passion of mine that I enjoy and haven't been able to do much of it since high school. At my first rehearsal I realized how good I am. I'm not trying to sound cocky or prideful but I realized that I was one of the top actors in the cast. But I shouldn't be surprised. I have been successfully acting a different person my whole life.
While I may be absent from posts for a little while I will give updates. Things are busy, hard and crazy, but overall good. I'm getting to a good place in life. Finally.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Testimony Builder
So several of my posts have been about my struggles and the challenges that I face. Today I wanted to post something that has a different tone. One of gratitude, faith, hope, belief and love.
Today was Testimony meeting at church. (For those that don't know, that is when members from the congregation go up to the pulpit and share their beliefs in a testimony.) I always enjoy these meetings in singles wards. They are filled with the spirit. Today was no exception. As I sat there I was so grateful for my knowledge and my beliefs. I know that this is the gospel of Jesus Christ. I also know that this is where I'm meant to be. My life may take its twists and turns, but staying rooted in the gospel is where I want to be.
As people shared their testimonies bits stuck out to me in almost all of them. I was reminded of my ancestors. I come from many lines of great, strong, noble people. I have the blood of fighters, survivors, peacemakers, game-changers, revolutionists and trailblazers. They have accomplished many things over the course of history. Some in the history books and are well known, others known simply to the circle of people they knew in this life. But their blood courses through my veins. Their legacy lives on in me. As I live my life, share my experiences, reach out and love those around me I can make them proud of what I am doing with the life and the legacy I carry on for them.
I was also grateful for answered prayers. I have been struggling with many things and changes in my life lately. I have been praying about many of these things. Today I got some answers. The Lord gives us the answers to our prayers when we need them. Notice I said NEED them and not WANT them. One of the things that I have been trying to decide if I should do it or not is to come out completely. This is a huge things that I have been struggling back and forth with for months now. Someone in their testimony said that motivation by fear is from Satan. It is to act with motivation through faith that we can do God's will. As I have been debating whether or not to do this I realized that I had been given my answer. Well it was more like, "I already told you what I want. Why keep praying when you have your answer? Now will you just do what I asked already?" I realized that I had been given my answer months ago and that it has been my fear holding me back from acting upon it. I even know how I will do it. I am going to stay true to who I am and make a movie. (That is one thing about me is that I am a filmmaker. I don't do it professionally, but it is my primary creative medium.) I will make a documentary of my dealings, learnings, changes, what has stayed the same, answer questions and show my story, perspective and life experiences. While I write this blog (and I know my writing isn't bad) my true passion and where I really shine is with a camera. So I will stay true to who I am, even with this.
I was also impressed today with the reminder that Thomas S. Monson is the prophet. Over the years that he has been serving as the prophet and president of the church I have had several experiences that have shaped my testimony of him and his calling. I am grateful for him and all that he does leading this church.
It is these beliefs and many others that make up my testimony. These experiences and others are things that I cannot deny and cast aside. That is why I choose to remain active in this church. That is why I make the choices that I do. Not because of others, but because I choose it. This is my life and I want the path that I choose. And I choose this path. I know that these things are true. This is my testimony that I share with all of you today, in Jesus Christ's name.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
Today was Testimony meeting at church. (For those that don't know, that is when members from the congregation go up to the pulpit and share their beliefs in a testimony.) I always enjoy these meetings in singles wards. They are filled with the spirit. Today was no exception. As I sat there I was so grateful for my knowledge and my beliefs. I know that this is the gospel of Jesus Christ. I also know that this is where I'm meant to be. My life may take its twists and turns, but staying rooted in the gospel is where I want to be.
As people shared their testimonies bits stuck out to me in almost all of them. I was reminded of my ancestors. I come from many lines of great, strong, noble people. I have the blood of fighters, survivors, peacemakers, game-changers, revolutionists and trailblazers. They have accomplished many things over the course of history. Some in the history books and are well known, others known simply to the circle of people they knew in this life. But their blood courses through my veins. Their legacy lives on in me. As I live my life, share my experiences, reach out and love those around me I can make them proud of what I am doing with the life and the legacy I carry on for them.
I was also grateful for answered prayers. I have been struggling with many things and changes in my life lately. I have been praying about many of these things. Today I got some answers. The Lord gives us the answers to our prayers when we need them. Notice I said NEED them and not WANT them. One of the things that I have been trying to decide if I should do it or not is to come out completely. This is a huge things that I have been struggling back and forth with for months now. Someone in their testimony said that motivation by fear is from Satan. It is to act with motivation through faith that we can do God's will. As I have been debating whether or not to do this I realized that I had been given my answer. Well it was more like, "I already told you what I want. Why keep praying when you have your answer? Now will you just do what I asked already?" I realized that I had been given my answer months ago and that it has been my fear holding me back from acting upon it. I even know how I will do it. I am going to stay true to who I am and make a movie. (That is one thing about me is that I am a filmmaker. I don't do it professionally, but it is my primary creative medium.) I will make a documentary of my dealings, learnings, changes, what has stayed the same, answer questions and show my story, perspective and life experiences. While I write this blog (and I know my writing isn't bad) my true passion and where I really shine is with a camera. So I will stay true to who I am, even with this.
I was also impressed today with the reminder that Thomas S. Monson is the prophet. Over the years that he has been serving as the prophet and president of the church I have had several experiences that have shaped my testimony of him and his calling. I am grateful for him and all that he does leading this church.
It is these beliefs and many others that make up my testimony. These experiences and others are things that I cannot deny and cast aside. That is why I choose to remain active in this church. That is why I make the choices that I do. Not because of others, but because I choose it. This is my life and I want the path that I choose. And I choose this path. I know that these things are true. This is my testimony that I share with all of you today, in Jesus Christ's name.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
Monday, January 28, 2013
Unexpected Struggles
One thing about my posts is that I will be completely honest. If a question is asked I will answer it honestly. I may choose to not answer it if I feel it is too personal or something like that, but I will answer honestly. I will also be completely honest with my experiences. I feel that it is important to be honest so that others that may be struggling with similar things or those that know people that are dealing with similar issues can know that they are not alone.
My current girlfriend is my second relationship that I have had in my whole life. My first one was just over a month and never got that serious. I have been dating my girlfriend since June of last year. If you have read my blog you will hopefully see how supportive she has been. I like her and am committed to the relationship, but recently I have had some experiences that have thrown me for a loop. I got a crush on a guy. Now I am just new to relationships and I didn't know what to do. Do people get crushes while in a relationship? Does this mean the end of the relationship? Is this normal? I haven't had too much advice from others in this area of dating. My friends would date and that was that. I'm the oldest so I didn't have any older siblings to look to for dating examples. they never covered this on Friends, Boy Meets World, She's All That or While You Were Sleeping. The only thing that was shown in TV or movies is that if someone else came along then the person left the person they were with and got with the other person. I was afraid that if that is how it worked that marriage would be a nightmare. So I turned to the only person that I knew could give me good advice: my brother. I went to him about the feelings I had. I figured to address that first and deal with the person I had feelings for later. Talking to him he assured me that it was normal and natural. He said feelings come up, but it is what you do about them that matter. I had no intention of cheating or suddenly ending things. I felt reassured about that. I could handle these feelings as they came up in whatever relationship I was in then while remaining committed to my partner.
The next thing I had to deal with was the fact that the person I had a crush on was a guy. Now I have been attracted to guys before. I have thought that plenty of them were cute. But I hadn't had any feelings for any guy that I would want to start a relationship with them. Until now. I had recently met this guy and things were fine at first. I thought he was cute, but left it at that. Then I was hit with a crush. My dating had been pretty complicated for the last few years. (In the back of my mind I had been holding out for a few specific girls that I was not able to date at the time and those thoughts and feelings prevented me from developing feelings for others.) I had not had a crush in quite some time. I had almost forgotten what it felt like: the rush of butterflies when you see them, the way they light up the world around you, how they seem to make everything better, the immediate smile and happiness that comes when you think of them. It was nice to feel those feelings again. Now I know many of you are probably thinking "What about your girlfriend?" With her our relationship slowly developed out of friendship. There wasn't that rush moment. It has slowly built over time.
To give a little more background, things started changing about a month and a half ago. When I was figuring out where I stood with everything I realized that not only was I physically attracted to guys, but I could also see myself in a relationship with them. But I hadn't had feelings. I think I never allowed myself to have those feelings. But about a month and a half ago I had a dream that threw me for a loop. In my dream I was boating with some friends. I was sitting on the back of the boat helping a friend get in the boat after skiing and he suddenly kissed me. I got so excited in the dream that it woke me up! I had never had that happen before. Never had just the excitement of a kiss in a dream caused me to wake up. Now the guy that kissed me in my dream is a friend that is in a relationship with another guy. They are good friends and I would never do anything to hurt their relationship. But that is what happened. In the dream he also had longer hair than he does in real life. That threw me for a loop.
Shortly there after I met the guy that I now have the crush on. After realizing that I had a crush on him I realized that he looks more like the guy from my dreams than my friend I thought it was. I would try not to think of him, but it wouldn't work. Every time a song came on or someone would do something that would be couple related he would pop up in my mind. I didn't know what to do. This then brought up a whole other dilemma: I had thought that things would be fine not dating guys, but with these new feelings I wondered if I could only date girls. It scared me. If I wasn't dating someone right now, would I try dating guys? Would I be able to only date girls if this relationship didn't work out? So many questions and mixed feelings and emotions. Fortunately I had a friend to turn to. He is also bi and, like me, a 3 on the Kinsey Scale. (The Kinsey Scale is a rating system on how straight or gay you are. A 0 is completely straight with no feelings for the same sex, while a 6 is completely gay with no feelings for the opposite sex. A 3 is right in the middle with feeling even for both sexes.) As we talked I realized that I'm not alone in these feelings. I see so many people that portray one side or the other, or lean more to one or the other, that I forget that there are others like me. For those that are struggling with this concept of being a 3 think of it this way: Take the people you are attracted to (you aren't attracted to every single person in that group- be it male or female- just a portion). For me it is the same, with the exception that half of that group are guys and the other half are girls. This made me realize the full extent of what my bisexuality meant. The fact that these feelings for both genders can come up can be a bit to deal with. Talking to my friend I was able to start sorting those thoughts and feelings out.
This then lead me to the next stage in the crush, my crushing. I found out that this guy is dating someone. I felt crushed. And I couldn't talk to anyone. Now I hadn't planned on pursuing him, but it still hurt. I was and am committed to my girlfriend and trying to work out our issues to move forward. But almost everyone I know is either in love with my girlfriend and devoted to her or I can't talk about my feeling for a guy to them. So I had to deal with this heartache on my own. I still worry if I am single would I be able to resist dating a guy.
I am committed to the gospel and believe it and will follow it. My experiences in life have solidified this. But a part of me worries. I want a wife and kids. I want all the things that come with that in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am one that looks at things with a realistic view. I know that I could never say that I will be firm in the gospel my whole life. I know that I cannot make absolute statements. I can't guarantee anything. But I can work at things. I can say that I will strive to do my best. That is all I can do. Hopefully that best will keep me where I want to be, but I have seen strong men and women fall because the slacked in one area or another. Will I only date girls? I can't say for sure. One thing I do know is that I will continue to try to live the gospel standards and stay close to The Lord and follow His will. That is all anyone can do is their best and hopefully I will be able to stay on that path.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
My current girlfriend is my second relationship that I have had in my whole life. My first one was just over a month and never got that serious. I have been dating my girlfriend since June of last year. If you have read my blog you will hopefully see how supportive she has been. I like her and am committed to the relationship, but recently I have had some experiences that have thrown me for a loop. I got a crush on a guy. Now I am just new to relationships and I didn't know what to do. Do people get crushes while in a relationship? Does this mean the end of the relationship? Is this normal? I haven't had too much advice from others in this area of dating. My friends would date and that was that. I'm the oldest so I didn't have any older siblings to look to for dating examples. they never covered this on Friends, Boy Meets World, She's All That or While You Were Sleeping. The only thing that was shown in TV or movies is that if someone else came along then the person left the person they were with and got with the other person. I was afraid that if that is how it worked that marriage would be a nightmare. So I turned to the only person that I knew could give me good advice: my brother. I went to him about the feelings I had. I figured to address that first and deal with the person I had feelings for later. Talking to him he assured me that it was normal and natural. He said feelings come up, but it is what you do about them that matter. I had no intention of cheating or suddenly ending things. I felt reassured about that. I could handle these feelings as they came up in whatever relationship I was in then while remaining committed to my partner.
The next thing I had to deal with was the fact that the person I had a crush on was a guy. Now I have been attracted to guys before. I have thought that plenty of them were cute. But I hadn't had any feelings for any guy that I would want to start a relationship with them. Until now. I had recently met this guy and things were fine at first. I thought he was cute, but left it at that. Then I was hit with a crush. My dating had been pretty complicated for the last few years. (In the back of my mind I had been holding out for a few specific girls that I was not able to date at the time and those thoughts and feelings prevented me from developing feelings for others.) I had not had a crush in quite some time. I had almost forgotten what it felt like: the rush of butterflies when you see them, the way they light up the world around you, how they seem to make everything better, the immediate smile and happiness that comes when you think of them. It was nice to feel those feelings again. Now I know many of you are probably thinking "What about your girlfriend?" With her our relationship slowly developed out of friendship. There wasn't that rush moment. It has slowly built over time.
To give a little more background, things started changing about a month and a half ago. When I was figuring out where I stood with everything I realized that not only was I physically attracted to guys, but I could also see myself in a relationship with them. But I hadn't had feelings. I think I never allowed myself to have those feelings. But about a month and a half ago I had a dream that threw me for a loop. In my dream I was boating with some friends. I was sitting on the back of the boat helping a friend get in the boat after skiing and he suddenly kissed me. I got so excited in the dream that it woke me up! I had never had that happen before. Never had just the excitement of a kiss in a dream caused me to wake up. Now the guy that kissed me in my dream is a friend that is in a relationship with another guy. They are good friends and I would never do anything to hurt their relationship. But that is what happened. In the dream he also had longer hair than he does in real life. That threw me for a loop.
Shortly there after I met the guy that I now have the crush on. After realizing that I had a crush on him I realized that he looks more like the guy from my dreams than my friend I thought it was. I would try not to think of him, but it wouldn't work. Every time a song came on or someone would do something that would be couple related he would pop up in my mind. I didn't know what to do. This then brought up a whole other dilemma: I had thought that things would be fine not dating guys, but with these new feelings I wondered if I could only date girls. It scared me. If I wasn't dating someone right now, would I try dating guys? Would I be able to only date girls if this relationship didn't work out? So many questions and mixed feelings and emotions. Fortunately I had a friend to turn to. He is also bi and, like me, a 3 on the Kinsey Scale. (The Kinsey Scale is a rating system on how straight or gay you are. A 0 is completely straight with no feelings for the same sex, while a 6 is completely gay with no feelings for the opposite sex. A 3 is right in the middle with feeling even for both sexes.) As we talked I realized that I'm not alone in these feelings. I see so many people that portray one side or the other, or lean more to one or the other, that I forget that there are others like me. For those that are struggling with this concept of being a 3 think of it this way: Take the people you are attracted to (you aren't attracted to every single person in that group- be it male or female- just a portion). For me it is the same, with the exception that half of that group are guys and the other half are girls. This made me realize the full extent of what my bisexuality meant. The fact that these feelings for both genders can come up can be a bit to deal with. Talking to my friend I was able to start sorting those thoughts and feelings out.
This then lead me to the next stage in the crush, my crushing. I found out that this guy is dating someone. I felt crushed. And I couldn't talk to anyone. Now I hadn't planned on pursuing him, but it still hurt. I was and am committed to my girlfriend and trying to work out our issues to move forward. But almost everyone I know is either in love with my girlfriend and devoted to her or I can't talk about my feeling for a guy to them. So I had to deal with this heartache on my own. I still worry if I am single would I be able to resist dating a guy.
I am committed to the gospel and believe it and will follow it. My experiences in life have solidified this. But a part of me worries. I want a wife and kids. I want all the things that come with that in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am one that looks at things with a realistic view. I know that I could never say that I will be firm in the gospel my whole life. I know that I cannot make absolute statements. I can't guarantee anything. But I can work at things. I can say that I will strive to do my best. That is all I can do. Hopefully that best will keep me where I want to be, but I have seen strong men and women fall because the slacked in one area or another. Will I only date girls? I can't say for sure. One thing I do know is that I will continue to try to live the gospel standards and stay close to The Lord and follow His will. That is all anyone can do is their best and hopefully I will be able to stay on that path.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
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