Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Projections

Recently the theme of projecting has come up in my life. It has been a reoccurring topic in conversations I've been having with several people. It was even mentioned in a recent episode of Glee that I saw watched part if again (and that happened to be one of the parts and it was for a different reason I watched it). The idea that people project their personal feelings onto others is something I haven't given much thought to until tonight.

I was thinking about all these conversations and my situation. I live with my grandma and she doesn't know that I'm bi. She is of an old way of thinking and has a very negative, bigoted, racist and close-minded way of thinking. She is very much against anything to do remotely connected to homosexuality and takes any opportunity she can to bash it. Don't get me wrong, I love my grandma and she is a great lady. She just struggles at times with her compassion to others. This has been a source of struggle for me. Each time she says a negative comment I feel like she is taking a jab at me.

With all the conversations about projecting I've had I thought about her. I was thinking about how she projects her negative habits onto me. She talks about how I eat so poorly and eat lots if sweets and chocolate. She talks a lot about my sleeping habits and lack of exercise and such. I realized that she has been saying these things as a way of projecting her feelings toward herself onto me. It was a breakthrough. Then I realized I've been projecting some of my feelings onto her.

I have been blaming her for some of the negative feelings I've had about myself. I have projected the part of me that still isn't quite comfortable with myself and my same sex attraction onto her. I thought I was completely fine with all of that. While I am for the most part, I realized that my thoughts that I had previous to figuring out all of this about myself, that I have had for (undisclosed amount of) years don't go away over night. I still have to face those thoughts and feelings and work through them. I hadn't been able to because I was denying I had them and projecting them into my grandmother.

I feel that I can take steps forward now that I have come to this realization and start some more of the healing process. I can find ways to more fully love myself.

With that I say:

Much love,
Lonely Boy

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