Failing and Fighting

I haven't posted lately because of struggles that I've been going through. My demons have been very strong lately and I don't want this blog to be all fluff and happy, optimistic posts but to be real and to show the real life of someone trying to navigate same sex attraction in the LDS Church.

Thanksgiving was not good for me. I have a problem that every time I go to family reunions I end up feeling depressed after. Much of it is the fact that I see all my family with their families and having what I want. This year was hard and I ran into some opposition to my same sex attraction. This lead to a night that I spent up trying to do everything I could to not kill myself. I couldn't go to sleep, as much as I tried. It was not a good night. But I made it through.

I also have been struggling with my eating lately. I have been eating horribly and too much lately. I have put on some more weight. With everything else that I'm dealing with I have been trying to not eat or eat as little as possible. I know anorexia is not good, but I have slipped into it. But I can't even do that right. I've been able to not eat most of the day (except around some people that would have a fit if they knew I wasn't eating). I have had some times that I've even messed up being anorexic. I have given in to eat and I wound up eating a lot. I know you might think that is good but to me I feel like I screwed up just another thing.

Now I tell you these things not to get extra attention or to get help in changing (because I'm stubborn and I'm the only person that can change my bad habits) but to let you know what some of the real struggles go on. The pressure and inner struggle of having same sex attraction can be very hard to deal with. I don't blame these current struggles completely on my same sex attraction, but it is one of the factors. I have been more vulnerable lately and that has been a struggle. I'm not used to being vulnerable. I have avoided it most of my life and vulnerability is not easy to accept, especially when rejection and opposition come. I am working at it but it doesn't come all at once. Also don't get too worried for me. I'm a fighter. I will not let myself go down without a fight.

Much love.

Lonely Boy