Why Lonely Boy

I'm sorry I have not posted recently. Things have been busy in my life, but I have had to deal with some other things beyond just lots to do. To elaborate on some of this will provide you an explanation of why I go by the name Lonely Boy.

From my posts you may think that I would not need to go by the name Lonely Boy. I have a girlfriend that is sticking by my side through this struggle, I have a family that I am close to, I have great friends and extended family that have been loving and supportive (for the most part). Why am I lonely? The reason for this is that even though I have great people in my life there still are times that I feel completely alone. Lately this has been the case. I see my girlfriend almost daily. I live with family and interact with them on a daily basis. I attend a group focused on same-gender attraction weekly and have many friends there. I am a very social person, so much so that my entire October was booked with events and such. But there are times that I feel completely alone and isolated in my life.

These people are great and love me, but I have struggles that I face daily that they do not know about. Lately those struggles have intensified. Things have been good for the last couple years for me. While there are points that have sucked (no steady job, living with family instead of on my own, being single for part of that time, etc.) it has been over-all good. I say that because I look at my life before and it sucked back then. I have had to face depression, suicide, binge eating, anorexia, insomnia, ADHD, health problems, bullying, addictions, self acceptance, family struggles, deaths, poor body image, cutting, people pleasing, poor self image, and a lack of love for myself. I know that can sound like a lot, but I didn't have to deal with all those at once. I faced these demons over the years. I'm a fighter. I come up against something and I will fight my way past it. That fighting spirit is what has kept me going all these years.

It was a couple years ago that I really started making changes in my life. I had some insight about myself and things I was doing that I knew I had to change. Most of this came after my last suicide attempt. These changes helped me get to a better place in life. Most of my past demons where just that, in the past. While I would get down, I hadn't been depressed. I was eating good. I was improving my relationships with others to more healthy ones. I was taking control of my life. Then I realized I was bisexual. That experience with the Lord helped me and brought me to a new level of moving forward and applying the atonement in my life. Things were going great!

But recently there wasn't just a slip or even a fall, but a complete drop or dive into the dark. My demons yanked me back down. I was facing them for the first time in years. I also had all of them come back to hit me all at once. It has been one of the darkest times that I have known facing these problems. But I feel that the progress I have made recently has helped me. This time I have been given upgrades in my armour and skill levels and my fighting ability to combat them (my weak attempt at video game reference/humor- I'm so NOT a gamer). I am not in a position of risk right now, it has been hard and draining. Many people in my life do not know about some of these demons I face. Some of them choose to be ignorant with them. I have told them and we have talked about it, but they refuse to believe me or face the problems I have. I also so not feel there is someone I can completely confide in to help me with my issues. I have many fixers in my life and most of them want to jump right in and start fixing before I am finished telling them my problems, and some jump in before I can actually begin telling my problems. There are few people that will actually listen to me. This is why I have chosen to go by the name Lonely Boy. I feel lonely in my life without someone that I can really talk to and be completely myself and feel loved and appreciated. Sometimes I don't even feel that way with myself.

The one that I turn to the most and helps me the most is my Savior, Jesus Christ. Leaning on Him and seeking His help, along with my Heavenly Father, I have been able to do great things. However, it could really help and make a great difference if there was someone physically present in my life. Until then though, I will keep fighting my fight. I will get through this and everything else that comes my way, whether I have someone help me or not. I know this because I have seen it done before and I have faith in Jesus Christ and His atonement. I know that the Lord will not give me anything I cannot handle (apparently I can handle a lot). As I go through the hard times I may not be the best blogger, but I will continually be a fighter. So all I have to say (with my fists clenched, stance firm, arms up) is "Bring it!"

Much love,

Lonely Boy