Being bi and Mormon comes with many challenges. In previous posts I have talked about a few of those challenges, some more in depth than others. Lately I have been dealing with the many struggles I face on a regular basis.
My girlfriend's family has not been the most supportive. I have had to deal with their behavior and treatment since they found out. I have been ostracized by several of them. They talk about me behind my back, make jokes, look down at me and have even tried to break me and my girlfriend up. They have had family meetings without us to discuss things. My girlfriend has gotten word of these things and has been working with them the best she can. But not once has any of them decided to talk to me. Now I'm not throwing a tantrum like a child wanting attention. What I would like is that they talk to me about their questions and concerns. Talk to me about the problems they have. This is apparently too much to ask. They make a big deal about how I have changed and how I don't interact and talk to them like I used to. This is not because I have changed. It is because they have removed themselves from me. I have attempted conversation but have been met with stiffness and a wall. I do not see that I must continually beat on that wall just to get a little bit of attention from someone. If someone doesn't want to talk to me then I will not push myself continually just to get their leftover scraps of attention.
The other thing that I have been dealing with since I have come out has been the attention I have received. Now this can be seen as good attention. I have struggled with issues of my self-worth. I know that I'm not the most attractive person. I will be honest. I am not in the ugly classification, but I do not feel by any stretch of the imagination do I belong in the hot category. With that being said, lately I have had more attention shown me than I have had my whole life. I was always the consolation prize, the good friend, the brother, the one that the girls would "take one for the team" so their friend could be with the guy she wanted. I was always the wing man for my better looking friends. I was fine with this. I thought it would be nice if I got more, but this was where I was in life and I became ok with my lot in life. If I wanted to change I would have put more effort into improving myself. Then I came out. It was back in October that I started noticing people looking at me and making comments about how good I looked. I had both girls and gay guys flirting with me and eyeing me. I went to a gay club and for the first time in my life someone tried to pick up on me. Last night I was out to dinner with my girlfriend and the waiter kept eyeing me and flirting in little ways (mostly the looks he gave me). Now none of this have I reciprocated. I'm in a relationship and am faithful to her. I would never do that. But it has been something that I have found uncomfortable. You may read this and be like, "Oh you poor thing that you have to deal with people wanting you." For me it has been hard because I feel undesirable and when someone shows me otherwise I feel all my flaws are amplified in my brain and that they wouldn't want me if they knew the real me. I feel also that there is a part of them that is making fun of me by saying that. It amplifies my self image, and that is something that I don't have a good view of.
These things have been some of the things that have added to my struggles lately. They are some of the factors that have kept me awake at night fighting the depression and anxiety attacks off. This is some of the things that those of us that are trying to be faithful members of the LDS church deal with. Hopefully you can either find something to relate to or gain a new or enhanced perspective of what it is like to be attracted to the same gender you are and striving to be a worthy member of the church. If you feel you can relate, hang in there and stay strong.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
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