Being attracted to girls and guys confused me. The attraction to guys made me wonder if I was gay. But because of my attraction to girls I kept telling myself that I wasn't. If I was gay I would not be attracted to girls like I was. As I had these thoughts and feelings I was mortified by them. I told myself that no one could ever know. It was my shame and my secret burden. I thought that if anyone knew they would hate me. I thought that if they knew there would be no way they would love and accept me. So I kept it to myself. I hated that part of me. It was a side that I felt loathing for and figured if I hated it then everyone else would hate me if they knew about it too. How could someone love me if they knew I felt this way? I was taught that homosexuality was a sin and therefore felt that I was filled with sin. Sometimes I felt there was no hope for me.
Having these feelings brought on several challenges. One thing this secret helped me to develop was my ability to subtly check people out. I had to be aware of all my actions. I couldn't allow myself to overtly check out another guy, I had to monitor the way I spoke, I made sure my interactions with other guys was always appropriate and I had to have the right interaction with girls. It was overwhelming at times. Sometimes I would slip for a moment and people would question me but I would go into denial mode. I had enough time that I was doing all the "completely straight" things that I could easily dissuade those people.
Having these feelings brought on several challenges. One thing this secret helped me to develop was my ability to subtly check people out. I had to be aware of all my actions. I couldn't allow myself to overtly check out another guy, I had to monitor the way I spoke, I made sure my interactions with other guys was always appropriate and I had to have the right interaction with girls. It was overwhelming at times. Sometimes I would slip for a moment and people would question me but I would go into denial mode. I had enough time that I was doing all the "completely straight" things that I could easily dissuade those people.
There were a few times that I did little things to somewhat flirt with a few guys. I would put myself in a position that they could better check me out. But I never did it too much so that I would give myself away. When those times happened I would be in my mind yelling at myself to stop but I couldn't physically stop myself.
I tried to develop my spiritual side. I thought that if I did everything I could, if I prayed, if I read my scriptures, if I was completely obedient that I would have this taken from me; that I would be changed. On my mission I did my best to be the best missionary I could and follow what the Lord would have me do. I never had any problems with attraction to any if my companions. I also didn't have any problems with attraction to any of the girls. I was serving the Lord and was focused on that work. A change never happened. Finally I gave up that notion. I realized that I could not be that perfect, ever. I kept trying to be good but I knew I was never going to be good enough to have it taken from me. I figured I was doomed to have this with me and to struggle with it for life. I would have to suffer in silence for the rest of my life.
After my mission I returned home and went to school. I did my best at dating. I went on so many dates I honestly can't remember them all. But I never was successful. The girls weren't into me or I wasn't into them. After graduating from Salt Lake Community College I went to BYU. I never wanted to go there but I knew that was where the Lord wanted me to go. At BYU things were the same. I dated girls, but still struggled with my attraction to guys. It was toward the end of my time there I started seeing a therapist. They tried to get me to confront my attraction to guys, but I wasn't ready to talk about it. I brushed it off and they didn't push the matter. I kept telling myself that since I was attracted to girls I was straight and not gay and that there was just this rogue part of me that I somehow had to find a way to kill and replace it with something else. I graduated and got a job and continued on with life. I was active in the church on and off, for various other reasons, until I finally left the BYU student wards and went into a family stake singles ward. This ward was amazing. I finally learned what a ward family was like. My testimony and knowledge of the gospel grew as did my circle of friends. They loved me for me. I thought they were acting friendly to re-activate me at first, but then I figured out that there are people this nice out there. I had actually found genuinely good people that lived the gospel. As I served and formed bonds of friendships with my new ward family I thought that finally having normal male friendships would solve everything. I had heard that gay tendencies can come from a lack of normal male bonding, friendships and interactions. I had always, with the exception of the mission, struggled making friend's with guys. I always found it easier to be friends with girls. As these new friendships grew my attraction to guys never diminished. It was disheartening, to say the least. Here I had done everything I could to rid myself of these feelings and nothing worked. I had even tried to have a better relationship with my father because I had heard that was also a cause of these types of feelings. It was great for our relationship, but my attraction to guys never diminished or went away.
It was about this time I lost my job and had to move in with my grandma. I was greatly discouraged. Some thought I was depressed, but having been through depression many times I can say I wasn't. I was down or discouraged but I wasn't so far gone that I would call it depression. It seemed like everything I did was never good enough. It was during this time I contemplated giving up and giving in to my attraction but my heart was never fully in it.
After my mission I returned home and went to school. I did my best at dating. I went on so many dates I honestly can't remember them all. But I never was successful. The girls weren't into me or I wasn't into them. After graduating from Salt Lake Community College I went to BYU. I never wanted to go there but I knew that was where the Lord wanted me to go. At BYU things were the same. I dated girls, but still struggled with my attraction to guys. It was toward the end of my time there I started seeing a therapist. They tried to get me to confront my attraction to guys, but I wasn't ready to talk about it. I brushed it off and they didn't push the matter. I kept telling myself that since I was attracted to girls I was straight and not gay and that there was just this rogue part of me that I somehow had to find a way to kill and replace it with something else. I graduated and got a job and continued on with life. I was active in the church on and off, for various other reasons, until I finally left the BYU student wards and went into a family stake singles ward. This ward was amazing. I finally learned what a ward family was like. My testimony and knowledge of the gospel grew as did my circle of friends. They loved me for me. I thought they were acting friendly to re-activate me at first, but then I figured out that there are people this nice out there. I had actually found genuinely good people that lived the gospel. As I served and formed bonds of friendships with my new ward family I thought that finally having normal male friendships would solve everything. I had heard that gay tendencies can come from a lack of normal male bonding, friendships and interactions. I had always, with the exception of the mission, struggled making friend's with guys. I always found it easier to be friends with girls. As these new friendships grew my attraction to guys never diminished. It was disheartening, to say the least. Here I had done everything I could to rid myself of these feelings and nothing worked. I had even tried to have a better relationship with my father because I had heard that was also a cause of these types of feelings. It was great for our relationship, but my attraction to guys never diminished or went away.
It was about this time I lost my job and had to move in with my grandma. I was greatly discouraged. Some thought I was depressed, but having been through depression many times I can say I wasn't. I was down or discouraged but I wasn't so far gone that I would call it depression. It seemed like everything I did was never good enough. It was during this time I contemplated giving up and giving in to my attraction but my heart was never fully in it.
This lead me to finally accepting not only that I was attracted to girls but also guys. I will leave that story for a later post, since this one is about my struggle over the years with my attraction and feelings to other guys.
I hope this sheds a little light on what it's like to struggle with something like this. Just know that no matter what you struggle with, you are not alone. Take it from me.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
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