One evening I was laying in my bed with my laptop randomly surfing. Over the years of struggling with my attraction to guys I was almost at a point of giving up on my ability to deal with it. I had started branching out in my searches. This particular Thursday night I was on YouTube and I decided to look up "gay Mormon" and what came up was an "It Gets Better" video from BYU students. This was something I had never seen before. I had seen many "It Gets Better" videos but none that were from someone that was a practicing LDS person. So I decided to click on one and watch it. I started with the compilation one. Once it was done I was captivated. I then went on to watch all the rest of them. I could not get enough. I had never found something that resonated with me so much. I knew what these people were saying. I connected to them for some reason. But I wasn't too sure why. Why did these videos hit me so powerfully?
I thought about them that night, the next day and the following. That Saturday I had a day full of events that caused a lot of self-reflection on life. That night I decided I was going to pray. Many of the people in the videos talked about praying to Heavenly Father about their feelings of homosexuality. That was what I was going to do. So as I was about to go to bed I decided to do just that. I prayed. This prayer ended up being a prayer unlike any other. As I prayed I decided to lay everything on the table. As I prayed I started a conversation with the Lord. Over the days leading up to this I had figured out that I wasn't flat out gay, but that I did have attraction to guys along with girls. This was when I concluded that I was most likely bisexual. I then asked my Heavenly Father if it was ok that I was bisexual. I then felt such an overwhelming love from my Heavenly Father come over me. I knew that I was loved- that I was completely loved, every aspect and part of me, including my bisexuality. I felt that God was there and had been waiting for me to talk to Him about not only this but many aspects of my life that I had been struggling with. So this started a several hours long conversation between us about everything in my life. I laid it all out for the Lord. It was during this conversation that I found several things out.
1- That it was ok that I was bisexual.
2- That this was a part of me and that was not there as a mistake.
3- That I was loved by my Heavenly Father completely.
4- That by turning everything over to the Lord that I would be fine in life.
I accepted that I was bisexual but I didn't know where to go from there. That night I knew that it was time to go to bed and that I could figure out the rest of it the next day. I slept the better that night than I had in years. The next day I went to church and then set out to figure my next move. I knew I would stay involved and active in the church. The Lord was helping me through this and wanted me to participate in His gospel. I also knew I needed to learn about what I was going through. I then learned that eventually I could share this with others. My fear that no one could ever love me completely was false. I knew that if my Heavenly Father could love me completely then others could too.
I knew things would be alright in my life. I knew that whatever path I was to take that my life would get better. I didn't know what path I would be on. I didn't know what life was to bring. All I knew was that as I trusted the Lord I would be in His hands and that He would take care of me. I was finally comfortable with who I was as a person and as a son of my Heavenly Father.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
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