Recently the theme of projecting has come up in my life. It has been a reoccurring topic in conversations I've been having with several people. It was even mentioned in a recent episode of Glee that I saw watched part if again (and that happened to be one of the parts and it was for a different reason I watched it). The idea that people project their personal feelings onto others is something I haven't given much thought to until tonight.
I was thinking about all these conversations and my situation. I live with my grandma and she doesn't know that I'm bi. She is of an old way of thinking and has a very negative, bigoted, racist and close-minded way of thinking. She is very much against anything to do remotely connected to homosexuality and takes any opportunity she can to bash it. Don't get me wrong, I love my grandma and she is a great lady. She just struggles at times with her compassion to others. This has been a source of struggle for me. Each time she says a negative comment I feel like she is taking a jab at me.
With all the conversations about projecting I've had I thought about her. I was thinking about how she projects her negative habits onto me. She talks about how I eat so poorly and eat lots if sweets and chocolate. She talks a lot about my sleeping habits and lack of exercise and such. I realized that she has been saying these things as a way of projecting her feelings toward herself onto me. It was a breakthrough. Then I realized I've been projecting some of my feelings onto her.
I have been blaming her for some of the negative feelings I've had about myself. I have projected the part of me that still isn't quite comfortable with myself and my same sex attraction onto her. I thought I was completely fine with all of that. While I am for the most part, I realized that my thoughts that I had previous to figuring out all of this about myself, that I have had for (undisclosed amount of) years don't go away over night. I still have to face those thoughts and feelings and work through them. I hadn't been able to because I was denying I had them and projecting them into my grandmother.
I feel that I can take steps forward now that I have come to this realization and start some more of the healing process. I can find ways to more fully love myself.
With that I say:
Much love,
Lonely Boy
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Ostracism and Ogling
Being bi and Mormon comes with many challenges. In previous posts I have talked about a few of those challenges, some more in depth than others. Lately I have been dealing with the many struggles I face on a regular basis.
My girlfriend's family has not been the most supportive. I have had to deal with their behavior and treatment since they found out. I have been ostracized by several of them. They talk about me behind my back, make jokes, look down at me and have even tried to break me and my girlfriend up. They have had family meetings without us to discuss things. My girlfriend has gotten word of these things and has been working with them the best she can. But not once has any of them decided to talk to me. Now I'm not throwing a tantrum like a child wanting attention. What I would like is that they talk to me about their questions and concerns. Talk to me about the problems they have. This is apparently too much to ask. They make a big deal about how I have changed and how I don't interact and talk to them like I used to. This is not because I have changed. It is because they have removed themselves from me. I have attempted conversation but have been met with stiffness and a wall. I do not see that I must continually beat on that wall just to get a little bit of attention from someone. If someone doesn't want to talk to me then I will not push myself continually just to get their leftover scraps of attention.
The other thing that I have been dealing with since I have come out has been the attention I have received. Now this can be seen as good attention. I have struggled with issues of my self-worth. I know that I'm not the most attractive person. I will be honest. I am not in the ugly classification, but I do not feel by any stretch of the imagination do I belong in the hot category. With that being said, lately I have had more attention shown me than I have had my whole life. I was always the consolation prize, the good friend, the brother, the one that the girls would "take one for the team" so their friend could be with the guy she wanted. I was always the wing man for my better looking friends. I was fine with this. I thought it would be nice if I got more, but this was where I was in life and I became ok with my lot in life. If I wanted to change I would have put more effort into improving myself. Then I came out. It was back in October that I started noticing people looking at me and making comments about how good I looked. I had both girls and gay guys flirting with me and eyeing me. I went to a gay club and for the first time in my life someone tried to pick up on me. Last night I was out to dinner with my girlfriend and the waiter kept eyeing me and flirting in little ways (mostly the looks he gave me). Now none of this have I reciprocated. I'm in a relationship and am faithful to her. I would never do that. But it has been something that I have found uncomfortable. You may read this and be like, "Oh you poor thing that you have to deal with people wanting you." For me it has been hard because I feel undesirable and when someone shows me otherwise I feel all my flaws are amplified in my brain and that they wouldn't want me if they knew the real me. I feel also that there is a part of them that is making fun of me by saying that. It amplifies my self image, and that is something that I don't have a good view of.
These things have been some of the things that have added to my struggles lately. They are some of the factors that have kept me awake at night fighting the depression and anxiety attacks off. This is some of the things that those of us that are trying to be faithful members of the LDS church deal with. Hopefully you can either find something to relate to or gain a new or enhanced perspective of what it is like to be attracted to the same gender you are and striving to be a worthy member of the church. If you feel you can relate, hang in there and stay strong.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
My girlfriend's family has not been the most supportive. I have had to deal with their behavior and treatment since they found out. I have been ostracized by several of them. They talk about me behind my back, make jokes, look down at me and have even tried to break me and my girlfriend up. They have had family meetings without us to discuss things. My girlfriend has gotten word of these things and has been working with them the best she can. But not once has any of them decided to talk to me. Now I'm not throwing a tantrum like a child wanting attention. What I would like is that they talk to me about their questions and concerns. Talk to me about the problems they have. This is apparently too much to ask. They make a big deal about how I have changed and how I don't interact and talk to them like I used to. This is not because I have changed. It is because they have removed themselves from me. I have attempted conversation but have been met with stiffness and a wall. I do not see that I must continually beat on that wall just to get a little bit of attention from someone. If someone doesn't want to talk to me then I will not push myself continually just to get their leftover scraps of attention.
The other thing that I have been dealing with since I have come out has been the attention I have received. Now this can be seen as good attention. I have struggled with issues of my self-worth. I know that I'm not the most attractive person. I will be honest. I am not in the ugly classification, but I do not feel by any stretch of the imagination do I belong in the hot category. With that being said, lately I have had more attention shown me than I have had my whole life. I was always the consolation prize, the good friend, the brother, the one that the girls would "take one for the team" so their friend could be with the guy she wanted. I was always the wing man for my better looking friends. I was fine with this. I thought it would be nice if I got more, but this was where I was in life and I became ok with my lot in life. If I wanted to change I would have put more effort into improving myself. Then I came out. It was back in October that I started noticing people looking at me and making comments about how good I looked. I had both girls and gay guys flirting with me and eyeing me. I went to a gay club and for the first time in my life someone tried to pick up on me. Last night I was out to dinner with my girlfriend and the waiter kept eyeing me and flirting in little ways (mostly the looks he gave me). Now none of this have I reciprocated. I'm in a relationship and am faithful to her. I would never do that. But it has been something that I have found uncomfortable. You may read this and be like, "Oh you poor thing that you have to deal with people wanting you." For me it has been hard because I feel undesirable and when someone shows me otherwise I feel all my flaws are amplified in my brain and that they wouldn't want me if they knew the real me. I feel also that there is a part of them that is making fun of me by saying that. It amplifies my self image, and that is something that I don't have a good view of.
These things have been some of the things that have added to my struggles lately. They are some of the factors that have kept me awake at night fighting the depression and anxiety attacks off. This is some of the things that those of us that are trying to be faithful members of the LDS church deal with. Hopefully you can either find something to relate to or gain a new or enhanced perspective of what it is like to be attracted to the same gender you are and striving to be a worthy member of the church. If you feel you can relate, hang in there and stay strong.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Failing and Fighting
I haven't posted lately because of struggles that I've been going through. My demons have been very strong lately and I don't want this blog to be all fluff and happy, optimistic posts but to be real and to show the real life of someone trying to navigate same sex attraction in the LDS Church.
Thanksgiving was not good for me. I have a problem that every time I go to family reunions I end up feeling depressed after. Much of it is the fact that I see all my family with their families and having what I want. This year was hard and I ran into some opposition to my same sex attraction. This lead to a night that I spent up trying to do everything I could to not kill myself. I couldn't go to sleep, as much as I tried. It was not a good night. But I made it through.
I also have been struggling with my eating lately. I have been eating horribly and too much lately. I have put on some more weight. With everything else that I'm dealing with I have been trying to not eat or eat as little as possible. I know anorexia is not good, but I have slipped into it. But I can't even do that right. I've been able to not eat most of the day (except around some people that would have a fit if they knew I wasn't eating). I have had some times that I've even messed up being anorexic. I have given in to eat and I wound up eating a lot. I know you might think that is good but to me I feel like I screwed up just another thing.
Now I tell you these things not to get extra attention or to get help in changing (because I'm stubborn and I'm the only person that can change my bad habits) but to let you know what some of the real struggles go on. The pressure and inner struggle of having same sex attraction can be very hard to deal with. I don't blame these current struggles completely on my same sex attraction, but it is one of the factors. I have been more vulnerable lately and that has been a struggle. I'm not used to being vulnerable. I have avoided it most of my life and vulnerability is not easy to accept, especially when rejection and opposition come. I am working at it but it doesn't come all at once. Also don't get too worried for me. I'm a fighter. I will not let myself go down without a fight.
Much love.
Lonely Boy
Thanksgiving was not good for me. I have a problem that every time I go to family reunions I end up feeling depressed after. Much of it is the fact that I see all my family with their families and having what I want. This year was hard and I ran into some opposition to my same sex attraction. This lead to a night that I spent up trying to do everything I could to not kill myself. I couldn't go to sleep, as much as I tried. It was not a good night. But I made it through.
I also have been struggling with my eating lately. I have been eating horribly and too much lately. I have put on some more weight. With everything else that I'm dealing with I have been trying to not eat or eat as little as possible. I know anorexia is not good, but I have slipped into it. But I can't even do that right. I've been able to not eat most of the day (except around some people that would have a fit if they knew I wasn't eating). I have had some times that I've even messed up being anorexic. I have given in to eat and I wound up eating a lot. I know you might think that is good but to me I feel like I screwed up just another thing.
Now I tell you these things not to get extra attention or to get help in changing (because I'm stubborn and I'm the only person that can change my bad habits) but to let you know what some of the real struggles go on. The pressure and inner struggle of having same sex attraction can be very hard to deal with. I don't blame these current struggles completely on my same sex attraction, but it is one of the factors. I have been more vulnerable lately and that has been a struggle. I'm not used to being vulnerable. I have avoided it most of my life and vulnerability is not easy to accept, especially when rejection and opposition come. I am working at it but it doesn't come all at once. Also don't get too worried for me. I'm a fighter. I will not let myself go down without a fight.
Much love.
Lonely Boy
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