Can I Be Bisexual and Be LDS?

One of the aspects I had to reconcile was my religion. Being LDS and bisexual doesn't just go hand in hand right off the bat. How could I be a faithful member of the LDS church and be bisexual? This was the big question I had to come to terms with and answer for myself.

The answers for me started years ago back when I was in high school. It was back then that I thought I had problems with the church. There were things that I couldn't stand about what I viewed as the church. I started looking to other churches to see about joining another one. As I did this I kept having problems with the other churches. I kept finding things that they taught that I just flat out did not agree with and did not believe. I kept finding that there were a set of beliefs that I had that I could not ignore. Just after high school it finally hit me that I believed in the gospel of Jesus Christ but it was the people that I had issues with. That was when I changed my thinking. I was not going to let the people that I disagreed with and had problems with their thinking get in the way of my beliefs and my salvation.

This was the start of my changing thoughts. Over the years I found that my beliefs and those around me in the church diverged a bit. By no means am I saying that I stopped believing what the church teaches but that I saw what some people thought were doctrine but were more cultural as opposed to actual teachings.

In this process I realized that, to me, there are two parts to the church. There is the core beliefs and doctrine that never changes and is the base of the gospel. Then there is the other part that is changing, shifting, cultural, and fluid. The core part is what I believe. It is the same from the Old Testament to the New Testament to the Book of Mormon to the Doctrine & Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price. They are still taught by the prophets in our day. This is what Christ taught. The other part of the church is what changes with the times. It is influenced by the world around us. That doesn't mean that it isn't from God but I feel it has more influence by people.

The core is where I gain my strength. This is where the basics are found- faith, hope, charity, love, chastity & service. The ordinances & such are found here: baptism, priesthood, temple ordinances, etc. In this space is where the "primary" answers are found- go to church, say your prayers, go to the temple, serve others, read your scriptures. This is the basics that I feel many people overlook because they are basic. I feel as I focus on these my beliefs are strengthened and I grow more.

The other stuff, while I feel is important, it is not what my testimony is based on. This stuff changes as times change. In Old Testament times eating pork wasn't allowed but now we can. In modern times polygamy was set in practice then it was abandoned. Blacks were not allowed to hold the priesthood and then that changed. There is stuff in that realm that is cultural. Not watching "R" rated movies. Not every country has the same rating system. Not drinking caffeine. Some say that is the reason behind the no coffee or tea and therefore we should not drink Pepsi or Coke. But there has been no official ban on Pepsi or Coke. If there was I think half the members here in Utah or more would leave the church or be in bad standings. Some of this realm is influenced by other factors, such as BYU. Some believe to be a good male member you have to have your hair clean cut, but that us just a BYU rule, not doctrine.

For me I have not found anywhere in the core teachings of the gospel that preaches against homosexuality. While it does talk about sexual sin outside of marriage it doesn't discuss same sex attraction. The church may or it may not at some point recognize same sex marriages. However I do not ever think they will allow same sex sealings in the temples. Right or wrong that is what my thoughts are. But I'm not the one in charge so I don't think my thoughts have much of a pull on the church as a whole.

As I shifted my focus on the core that is what has helped me to reconcile my beliefs with who I am. To me the core is unchanging but the outlying stuff can be open for personal interpretation. The Lord has given us the gift of the Holy Ghost to guide us in our lives. As we stay worthy we can receive that guidance to know when something may be different for us as an individual. We are taught that we should pray to find our path in life. As I have prayed I have received that guidance to know where I should go. I have also had the confirmation that it is ok that I am bisexual. It is ok that I have feelings towards men. I just have to keep those feelings in check just as I do with women. But there is nothing wrong with me. I am loved for who I am by my Heavenly Father who made me this way. These feelings are the same ones that I have received over the years that lead me on the Lord's path. They are the ones that gave me my testimony. They are the ones that brought me everything I have gotten from the Lord. These feelings and my experiences combined with the fruits that I have received from this and my beliefs of what I know to be true have lead me to where I am now. I am a worthy, active bisexual member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And I don't plan on changing a thing about that.

Now What?

Accepting the fact that I was bisexual has turned out to be the easiest part of this whole thing for me. One of the next things I had to do was to reconcile my bisexuality with my life and my beliefs. This was quite the process.

I set out to learn everything I could about being bisexual. I looked up all the YouTube videos I could. I found all the blogs I could. I looked up as many websites I could. I read everything on the Internet I could find. I took time for self reflection. One thing I took up was running. I have ADHD and for me running helps me focus my thoughts. I read my journals, scriptures and other personal and religious documents. I knew that in order to find out which direction my life was going to take I had to learn about my options, my future, my past and what I really want from life.

As I learned I realized that I'm the same I was before, just with a better knowledge of myself. I also realized that my goals in life were still the same. Many aspects of my life were not going to change with this new knowledge. The biggest reconciliation would come with my religion.

The First Person I Came Out To: Myself

One evening I was laying in my bed with my laptop randomly surfing. Over the years of struggling with my attraction to guys I was almost at a point of giving up on my ability to deal with it. I had started branching out in my searches. This particular Thursday night I was on YouTube and I decided to look up "gay Mormon" and what came up was an "It Gets Better" video from BYU students. This was something I had never seen before. I had seen many "It Gets Better" videos but none that were from someone that was a practicing LDS person. So I decided to click on one and watch it. I started with the compilation one. Once it was done I was captivated. I then went on to watch all the rest of them. I could not get enough. I had never found something that resonated with me so much. I knew what these people were saying. I connected to them for some reason. But I wasn't too sure why. Why did these videos hit me so powerfully?

I thought about them that night, the next day and the following. That Saturday I had a day full of events that caused a lot of self-reflection on life. That night I decided I was going to pray. Many of the people in the videos talked about praying to Heavenly Father about their feelings of homosexuality. That was what I was going to do. So as I was about to go to bed I decided to do just that. I prayed. This prayer ended up being a prayer unlike any other. As I prayed I decided to lay everything on the table. As I prayed I started a conversation with the Lord. Over the days leading up to this I had figured out that I wasn't flat out gay, but that I did have attraction to guys along with girls. This was when I concluded that I was most likely bisexual. I then asked my Heavenly Father if it was ok that I was bisexual. I then felt such an overwhelming love from my Heavenly Father come over me. I knew that I was loved- that I was completely loved, every aspect and part of me, including my bisexuality. I felt that God was there and had been waiting for me to talk to Him about not only this but many aspects of my life that I had been struggling with. So this started a several hours long conversation between us about everything in my life. I laid it all out for the Lord. It was during this conversation that I found several things out.

1- That it was ok that I was bisexual.
2- That this was a part of me and that was not there as a mistake.
3- That I was loved by my Heavenly Father completely.
4- That by turning everything over to the Lord that I would be fine in life.

I accepted that I was bisexual but I didn't know where to go from there. That night I knew that it was time to go to bed and that I could figure out the rest of it the next day. I slept the better that night than I had in years. The next day I went to church and then set out to figure my next move. I knew I would stay involved and active in the church. The Lord was helping me through this and wanted me to participate in His gospel. I also knew I needed to learn about what I was going through. I then learned that eventually I could share this with others. My fear that no one could ever love me completely was false. I knew that if my Heavenly Father could love me completely then others could too.
I knew things would be alright in my life. I knew that whatever path I was to take that my life would get better. I didn't know what path I would be on. I didn't know what life was to bring. All I knew was that as I trusted the Lord I would be in His hands and that He would take care of me. I was finally comfortable with who I was as a person and as a son of my Heavenly Father.

Much love,

Lonely Boy

My Secret Shame and Struggle

While I recently learned and came to accept the part of me that is attracted to guys, it did not just develop over night. Feelings of attraction like this just don't come on suddenly. For me this started years ago. Junior high was when I can first remember thinking a guy was cute. For me, when that would happen, I would fight with myself. I would berate myself for having those thoughts and feelings. I would keep it to myself and try to change the thoughts. Because of this constant trying to rid myself of these thoughts and feelings it would keep it in my mind. I knew that no one could ever find out about this dark secret.  It was unacceptable and if anyone ever found out I knew that would be the end of everything. Yes, I was also into girls too, and there were plenty that I had crushes on and was interested in, but there were always the guys too. This continued on over the years.

Being attracted to girls and guys confused me. The attraction to guys made me wonder if I was gay. But because of my attraction to girls I kept telling myself that I wasn't. If I was gay I would not be attracted to girls like I was. As I had these thoughts and feelings I was mortified by them. I told myself that no one could ever know. It was my shame and my secret burden. I thought that if anyone knew they would hate me. I thought that if they knew there would be no way they would love and accept me. So I kept it to myself. I hated that part of me. It was a side that I felt loathing for and figured if I hated it then everyone else would hate me if they knew about it too.  How could someone love me if they knew I felt this way? I was taught that homosexuality was a sin and therefore felt that I was filled with sin. Sometimes I felt there was no hope for me.

Having these feelings brought on several challenges. One thing this secret helped me to develop was my ability to subtly check people out. I had to be aware of all my actions. I couldn't allow myself to overtly check out another guy, I had to monitor the way I spoke, I made sure my interactions with other guys was always appropriate and I had to have the right interaction with girls. It was overwhelming at times. Sometimes I would slip for a moment and people would question me but I would go into denial mode. I had enough time that I was doing all the "completely straight" things that I could easily dissuade those people.

There were a few times that I did little things to somewhat flirt with a few guys. I would put myself in a position that they could better check me out. But I never did it too much so that I would give myself away. When those times happened I would be in my mind yelling at myself to stop but I couldn't physically stop myself.

I tried to develop my spiritual side. I thought that if I did everything I could, if I prayed, if I read my scriptures, if I was completely obedient that I would have this taken from me; that I would be changed. On my mission I did my best to be the best missionary I could and follow what the Lord would have me do. I never had any problems with attraction to any if my companions. I also didn't have any problems with attraction to any of the girls. I was serving the Lord and was focused on that work. A change never happened. Finally I gave up that notion. I realized that I could not be that perfect, ever. I kept trying to be good but I knew I was never going to be good enough to have it taken from me. I figured I was doomed to have this with me and to struggle with it for life. I would have to suffer in silence for the rest of my life.

After my mission I returned home and went to school. I did my best at dating. I went on so many dates I honestly can't remember them all. But I never was successful. The girls weren't into me or I wasn't into them. After graduating from Salt Lake Community College I went to BYU. I never wanted to go there but I knew that was where the Lord wanted me to go. At BYU things were the same. I dated girls, but still struggled with my attraction to guys. It was toward the end of my time there I started seeing a therapist. They tried to get me to confront my attraction to guys, but I wasn't ready to talk about it. I brushed it off and they didn't push the matter. I kept telling myself that since I was attracted to girls I was straight and not gay and that there was just this rogue part of me that I somehow had to find a way to kill and replace it with something else. I graduated and got a job and continued on with life. I was active in the church on and off, for various other reasons, until I finally left the BYU student wards and went into a family stake singles ward. This ward was amazing. I finally learned what a ward family was like. My testimony and knowledge of the gospel grew as did my circle of friends. They loved me for me. I thought they were acting friendly to re-activate me at first, but then I figured out that there are people this nice out there. I had actually found genuinely good people that lived the gospel. As I served and formed bonds of friendships with my new ward family I thought that finally having normal male friendships would solve everything. I had heard that gay tendencies can come from a lack of normal male bonding, friendships and interactions. I had always, with the exception of the mission, struggled making friend's with guys. I always found it easier to be friends with girls. As these new friendships grew my attraction to guys never diminished. It was disheartening, to say the least. Here I had done everything I could to rid myself of these feelings and nothing worked. I had even tried to have a better relationship with my father because I had heard that was also a cause of these types of feelings. It was great for our relationship, but my attraction to guys never diminished or went away. 

It was about this time I lost my job and had to move in with my grandma. I was greatly discouraged. Some thought I was depressed, but having been through depression many times I can say I wasn't. I was down or discouraged but I wasn't so far gone that I would call it depression. It seemed like everything I did was never good enough. It was during this time I contemplated giving up and giving in to my attraction but my heart was never fully in it.

This lead me to finally accepting not only that I was attracted to girls but also guys. I will leave that story for a later post, since this one is about my struggle over the years with my attraction and feelings to other guys.

I hope this sheds a little light on what it's like to struggle with something like this.  Just know that no matter what you struggle with, you are not alone.  Take it from me.

Much love,

Lonely Boy

Beginning Somewhere

Now that I have set this blog up I guess I have to begin it somewhere.  I have never been good at blogs.  I have always struggled to write on a regular basis.  But I suppose that can change.  Recently I have been making all kinds of changes in my life.  I am finally becoming who I know I truly am inside.  So while I may not be a consistent writer, that doesn't mean that I still can't write consistently. 

For this first post I will give a little background and some reasons I started this blog.  One thing to know about me is I have ADHD.  So some of these posts may jump around and be all over the place, but I will do my best to keep them clear and on some sort of track.

About a month ago I finally came out to myself and accepted the fact that I was bisexual.  I always knew that I was attracted to women.  That was never in denial.  My attraction to guys, however, was a part of me that I tried my best to ignore, deny and get rid of.  This acceptance ultimately lead to my acceptance of every part of who I was at that time.  I accepted me for who I was, flaws and all.  This then lead to me finally being able to start making lasting changes in myself that were standing in the way of me being true to myself and being happy in life.  (These will be talked about in more detail in later posts.)

One thing about me is I love people.  I also want to help people.  I have realized that there are many out there that might be able to gain something from my experiences; whether it is the realization that you are not alone in your struggles, that you gained some additional insight into how someone can think differently than you, that there are people out there silently struggling, or maybe that some of your prejudices and hatred may be changed to show more compassion to others. 

With that being said, I welcome comments and feedback from those that read this blog.  I do ask that those comments not include hateful, vulgar, crude, obscene or foul language.  I want this to be a place of positive exchange, understanding and upliftment.  You can disagree without being negative.  I actually embrace disagreements.  Everyone is different.  We all think differently and have differing opinions.  I think it is our diversity that enhances the human condition.  It makes us all more unique and interesting and helps move us forward.  But if those differences are attacked rather than celebrated it brings us backwards.

So I hope you enjoy this blog.

Much love,

Lonely Boy