Unexpected Struggles

One thing about my posts is that I will be completely honest. If a question is asked I will answer it honestly. I may choose to not answer it if I feel it is too personal or something like that, but I will answer honestly. I will also be completely honest with my experiences. I feel that it is important to be honest so that others that may be struggling with similar things or those that know people that are dealing with similar issues can know that they are not alone.

My current girlfriend is my second relationship that I have had in my whole life. My first one was just over a month and never got that serious. I have been dating my girlfriend since June of last year. If you have read my blog you will hopefully see how supportive she has been. I like her and am committed to the relationship, but recently I have had some experiences that have thrown me for a loop. I got a crush on a guy. Now I am just new to relationships and I didn't know what to do. Do people get crushes while in a relationship? Does this mean the end of the relationship? Is this normal? I haven't had too much advice from others in this area of dating. My friends would date and that was that. I'm the oldest so I didn't have any older siblings to look to for dating examples. they never covered this on Friends, Boy Meets World, She's All That or While You Were Sleeping. The only thing that was shown in TV or movies is that if someone else came along then the person left the person they were with and got with the other person. I was afraid that if that is how it worked that marriage would be a nightmare. So I turned to the only person that I knew could give me good advice: my brother. I went to him about the feelings I had. I figured to address that first and deal with the person I had feelings for later. Talking to him he assured me that it was normal and natural. He said feelings come up, but it is what you do about them that matter. I had no intention of cheating or suddenly ending things. I felt reassured about that. I could handle these feelings as they came up in whatever relationship I was in then while remaining committed to my partner.

The next thing I had to deal with was the fact that the person I had a crush on was a guy. Now I have been attracted to guys before. I have thought that plenty of them were cute. But I hadn't had any feelings for any guy that I would want to start a relationship with them. Until now. I had recently met this guy and things were fine at first. I thought he was cute, but left it at that. Then I was hit with a crush. My dating had been pretty complicated for the last few years. (In the back of my mind I had been holding out for a few specific girls that I was not able to date at the time and those thoughts and feelings prevented me from developing feelings for others.) I had not had a crush in quite some time. I had almost forgotten what it felt like: the rush of butterflies when you see them, the way they light up the world around you, how they seem to make everything better, the immediate smile and happiness that comes when you think of them. It was nice to feel those feelings again. Now I know many of you are probably thinking "What about your girlfriend?" With her our relationship slowly developed out of friendship. There wasn't that rush moment. It has slowly built over time.

To give a little more background, things started changing about a month and a half ago. When I was figuring out where I stood with everything I realized that not only was I physically attracted to guys, but I could also see myself in a relationship with them. But I hadn't had feelings. I think I never allowed myself to have those feelings. But about a month and a half ago I had a dream that threw me for a loop. In my dream I was boating with some friends. I was sitting on the back of the boat helping a friend get in the boat after skiing and he suddenly kissed me. I got so excited in the dream that it woke me up! I had never had that happen before. Never had just the excitement of a kiss in a dream caused me to wake up. Now the guy that kissed me in my dream is a friend that is in a relationship with another guy. They are good friends and I would never do anything to hurt their relationship. But that is what happened. In the dream he also had longer hair than he does in real life. That threw me for a loop.

Shortly there after I met the guy that I now have the crush on. After realizing that I had a crush on him I realized that he looks more like the guy from my dreams than my friend I thought it was. I would try not to think of him, but it wouldn't work. Every time a song came on or someone would do something that would be couple related he would pop up in my mind. I didn't know what to do. This then brought up a whole other dilemma: I had thought that things would be fine not dating guys, but with these new feelings I wondered if I could only date girls. It scared me. If I wasn't dating someone right now, would I try dating guys? Would I be able to only date girls if this relationship didn't work out? So many questions and mixed feelings and emotions. Fortunately I had a friend to turn to. He is also bi and, like me, a 3 on the Kinsey Scale. (The Kinsey Scale is a rating system on how straight or gay you are. A 0 is completely straight with no feelings for the same sex, while a 6 is completely gay with no feelings for the opposite sex. A 3 is right in the middle with feeling even for both sexes.) As we talked I realized that I'm not alone in these feelings. I see so many people that portray one side or the other, or lean more to one or the other, that I forget that there are others like me. For those that are struggling with this concept of being a 3 think of it this way: Take the people you are attracted to (you aren't attracted to every single person in that group- be it male or female- just a portion). For me it is the same, with the exception that half of that group are guys and the other half are girls. This made me realize the full extent of what my bisexuality meant. The fact that these feelings for both genders can come up can be a bit to deal with. Talking to my friend I was able to start sorting those thoughts and feelings out.

This then lead me to the next stage in the crush, my crushing. I found out that this guy is dating someone. I felt crushed. And I couldn't talk to anyone. Now I hadn't planned on pursuing him, but it still hurt. I was and am committed to my girlfriend and trying to work out our issues to move forward. But almost everyone I know is either in love with my girlfriend and devoted to her or I can't talk about my feeling for a guy to them. So I had to deal with this heartache on my own. I still worry if I am single would I be able to resist dating a guy.

I am committed to the gospel and believe it and will follow it. My experiences in life have solidified this. But a part of me worries. I want a wife and kids. I want all the things that come with that in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am one that looks at things with a realistic view. I know that I could never say that I will be firm in the gospel my whole life. I know that I cannot make absolute statements. I can't guarantee anything. But I can work at things. I can say that I will strive to do my best. That is all I can do. Hopefully that best will keep me where I want to be, but I have seen strong men and women fall because the slacked in one area or another. Will I only date girls? I can't say for sure. One thing I do know is that I will continue to try to live the gospel standards and stay close to The Lord and follow His will. That is all anyone can do is their best and hopefully I will be able to stay on that path.

Much love,

Lonely Boy