Recently the theme of projecting has come up in my life. It has been a reoccurring topic in conversations I've been having with several people. It was even mentioned in a recent episode of Glee that I saw watched part if again (and that happened to be one of the parts and it was for a different reason I watched it). The idea that people project their personal feelings onto others is something I haven't given much thought to until tonight.
I was thinking about all these conversations and my situation. I live with my grandma and she doesn't know that I'm bi. She is of an old way of thinking and has a very negative, bigoted, racist and close-minded way of thinking. She is very much against anything to do remotely connected to homosexuality and takes any opportunity she can to bash it. Don't get me wrong, I love my grandma and she is a great lady. She just struggles at times with her compassion to others. This has been a source of struggle for me. Each time she says a negative comment I feel like she is taking a jab at me.
With all the conversations about projecting I've had I thought about her. I was thinking about how she projects her negative habits onto me. She talks about how I eat so poorly and eat lots if sweets and chocolate. She talks a lot about my sleeping habits and lack of exercise and such. I realized that she has been saying these things as a way of projecting her feelings toward herself onto me. It was a breakthrough. Then I realized I've been projecting some of my feelings onto her.
I have been blaming her for some of the negative feelings I've had about myself. I have projected the part of me that still isn't quite comfortable with myself and my same sex attraction onto her. I thought I was completely fine with all of that. While I am for the most part, I realized that my thoughts that I had previous to figuring out all of this about myself, that I have had for (undisclosed amount of) years don't go away over night. I still have to face those thoughts and feelings and work through them. I hadn't been able to because I was denying I had them and projecting them into my grandmother.
I feel that I can take steps forward now that I have come to this realization and start some more of the healing process. I can find ways to more fully love myself.
With that I say:
Much love,
Lonely Boy
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Ostracism and Ogling
Being bi and Mormon comes with many challenges. In previous posts I have talked about a few of those challenges, some more in depth than others. Lately I have been dealing with the many struggles I face on a regular basis.
My girlfriend's family has not been the most supportive. I have had to deal with their behavior and treatment since they found out. I have been ostracized by several of them. They talk about me behind my back, make jokes, look down at me and have even tried to break me and my girlfriend up. They have had family meetings without us to discuss things. My girlfriend has gotten word of these things and has been working with them the best she can. But not once has any of them decided to talk to me. Now I'm not throwing a tantrum like a child wanting attention. What I would like is that they talk to me about their questions and concerns. Talk to me about the problems they have. This is apparently too much to ask. They make a big deal about how I have changed and how I don't interact and talk to them like I used to. This is not because I have changed. It is because they have removed themselves from me. I have attempted conversation but have been met with stiffness and a wall. I do not see that I must continually beat on that wall just to get a little bit of attention from someone. If someone doesn't want to talk to me then I will not push myself continually just to get their leftover scraps of attention.
The other thing that I have been dealing with since I have come out has been the attention I have received. Now this can be seen as good attention. I have struggled with issues of my self-worth. I know that I'm not the most attractive person. I will be honest. I am not in the ugly classification, but I do not feel by any stretch of the imagination do I belong in the hot category. With that being said, lately I have had more attention shown me than I have had my whole life. I was always the consolation prize, the good friend, the brother, the one that the girls would "take one for the team" so their friend could be with the guy she wanted. I was always the wing man for my better looking friends. I was fine with this. I thought it would be nice if I got more, but this was where I was in life and I became ok with my lot in life. If I wanted to change I would have put more effort into improving myself. Then I came out. It was back in October that I started noticing people looking at me and making comments about how good I looked. I had both girls and gay guys flirting with me and eyeing me. I went to a gay club and for the first time in my life someone tried to pick up on me. Last night I was out to dinner with my girlfriend and the waiter kept eyeing me and flirting in little ways (mostly the looks he gave me). Now none of this have I reciprocated. I'm in a relationship and am faithful to her. I would never do that. But it has been something that I have found uncomfortable. You may read this and be like, "Oh you poor thing that you have to deal with people wanting you." For me it has been hard because I feel undesirable and when someone shows me otherwise I feel all my flaws are amplified in my brain and that they wouldn't want me if they knew the real me. I feel also that there is a part of them that is making fun of me by saying that. It amplifies my self image, and that is something that I don't have a good view of.
These things have been some of the things that have added to my struggles lately. They are some of the factors that have kept me awake at night fighting the depression and anxiety attacks off. This is some of the things that those of us that are trying to be faithful members of the LDS church deal with. Hopefully you can either find something to relate to or gain a new or enhanced perspective of what it is like to be attracted to the same gender you are and striving to be a worthy member of the church. If you feel you can relate, hang in there and stay strong.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
My girlfriend's family has not been the most supportive. I have had to deal with their behavior and treatment since they found out. I have been ostracized by several of them. They talk about me behind my back, make jokes, look down at me and have even tried to break me and my girlfriend up. They have had family meetings without us to discuss things. My girlfriend has gotten word of these things and has been working with them the best she can. But not once has any of them decided to talk to me. Now I'm not throwing a tantrum like a child wanting attention. What I would like is that they talk to me about their questions and concerns. Talk to me about the problems they have. This is apparently too much to ask. They make a big deal about how I have changed and how I don't interact and talk to them like I used to. This is not because I have changed. It is because they have removed themselves from me. I have attempted conversation but have been met with stiffness and a wall. I do not see that I must continually beat on that wall just to get a little bit of attention from someone. If someone doesn't want to talk to me then I will not push myself continually just to get their leftover scraps of attention.
The other thing that I have been dealing with since I have come out has been the attention I have received. Now this can be seen as good attention. I have struggled with issues of my self-worth. I know that I'm not the most attractive person. I will be honest. I am not in the ugly classification, but I do not feel by any stretch of the imagination do I belong in the hot category. With that being said, lately I have had more attention shown me than I have had my whole life. I was always the consolation prize, the good friend, the brother, the one that the girls would "take one for the team" so their friend could be with the guy she wanted. I was always the wing man for my better looking friends. I was fine with this. I thought it would be nice if I got more, but this was where I was in life and I became ok with my lot in life. If I wanted to change I would have put more effort into improving myself. Then I came out. It was back in October that I started noticing people looking at me and making comments about how good I looked. I had both girls and gay guys flirting with me and eyeing me. I went to a gay club and for the first time in my life someone tried to pick up on me. Last night I was out to dinner with my girlfriend and the waiter kept eyeing me and flirting in little ways (mostly the looks he gave me). Now none of this have I reciprocated. I'm in a relationship and am faithful to her. I would never do that. But it has been something that I have found uncomfortable. You may read this and be like, "Oh you poor thing that you have to deal with people wanting you." For me it has been hard because I feel undesirable and when someone shows me otherwise I feel all my flaws are amplified in my brain and that they wouldn't want me if they knew the real me. I feel also that there is a part of them that is making fun of me by saying that. It amplifies my self image, and that is something that I don't have a good view of.
These things have been some of the things that have added to my struggles lately. They are some of the factors that have kept me awake at night fighting the depression and anxiety attacks off. This is some of the things that those of us that are trying to be faithful members of the LDS church deal with. Hopefully you can either find something to relate to or gain a new or enhanced perspective of what it is like to be attracted to the same gender you are and striving to be a worthy member of the church. If you feel you can relate, hang in there and stay strong.
Much love,
Lonely Boy
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Failing and Fighting
I haven't posted lately because of struggles that I've been going through. My demons have been very strong lately and I don't want this blog to be all fluff and happy, optimistic posts but to be real and to show the real life of someone trying to navigate same sex attraction in the LDS Church.
Thanksgiving was not good for me. I have a problem that every time I go to family reunions I end up feeling depressed after. Much of it is the fact that I see all my family with their families and having what I want. This year was hard and I ran into some opposition to my same sex attraction. This lead to a night that I spent up trying to do everything I could to not kill myself. I couldn't go to sleep, as much as I tried. It was not a good night. But I made it through.
I also have been struggling with my eating lately. I have been eating horribly and too much lately. I have put on some more weight. With everything else that I'm dealing with I have been trying to not eat or eat as little as possible. I know anorexia is not good, but I have slipped into it. But I can't even do that right. I've been able to not eat most of the day (except around some people that would have a fit if they knew I wasn't eating). I have had some times that I've even messed up being anorexic. I have given in to eat and I wound up eating a lot. I know you might think that is good but to me I feel like I screwed up just another thing.
Now I tell you these things not to get extra attention or to get help in changing (because I'm stubborn and I'm the only person that can change my bad habits) but to let you know what some of the real struggles go on. The pressure and inner struggle of having same sex attraction can be very hard to deal with. I don't blame these current struggles completely on my same sex attraction, but it is one of the factors. I have been more vulnerable lately and that has been a struggle. I'm not used to being vulnerable. I have avoided it most of my life and vulnerability is not easy to accept, especially when rejection and opposition come. I am working at it but it doesn't come all at once. Also don't get too worried for me. I'm a fighter. I will not let myself go down without a fight.
Much love.
Lonely Boy
Thanksgiving was not good for me. I have a problem that every time I go to family reunions I end up feeling depressed after. Much of it is the fact that I see all my family with their families and having what I want. This year was hard and I ran into some opposition to my same sex attraction. This lead to a night that I spent up trying to do everything I could to not kill myself. I couldn't go to sleep, as much as I tried. It was not a good night. But I made it through.
I also have been struggling with my eating lately. I have been eating horribly and too much lately. I have put on some more weight. With everything else that I'm dealing with I have been trying to not eat or eat as little as possible. I know anorexia is not good, but I have slipped into it. But I can't even do that right. I've been able to not eat most of the day (except around some people that would have a fit if they knew I wasn't eating). I have had some times that I've even messed up being anorexic. I have given in to eat and I wound up eating a lot. I know you might think that is good but to me I feel like I screwed up just another thing.
Now I tell you these things not to get extra attention or to get help in changing (because I'm stubborn and I'm the only person that can change my bad habits) but to let you know what some of the real struggles go on. The pressure and inner struggle of having same sex attraction can be very hard to deal with. I don't blame these current struggles completely on my same sex attraction, but it is one of the factors. I have been more vulnerable lately and that has been a struggle. I'm not used to being vulnerable. I have avoided it most of my life and vulnerability is not easy to accept, especially when rejection and opposition come. I am working at it but it doesn't come all at once. Also don't get too worried for me. I'm a fighter. I will not let myself go down without a fight.
Much love.
Lonely Boy
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Why Lonely Boy
I'm sorry I have not posted recently. Things have been busy in my life, but I have had to deal with some other things beyond just lots to do. To elaborate on some of this will provide you an explanation of why I go by the name Lonely Boy.
From my posts you may think that I would not need to go by the name Lonely Boy. I have a girlfriend that is sticking by my side through this struggle, I have a family that I am close to, I have great friends and extended family that have been loving and supportive (for the most part). Why am I lonely? The reason for this is that even though I have great people in my life there still are times that I feel completely alone. Lately this has been the case. I see my girlfriend almost daily. I live with family and interact with them on a daily basis. I attend a group focused on same-gender attraction weekly and have many friends there. I am a very social person, so much so that my entire October was booked with events and such. But there are times that I feel completely alone and isolated in my life.
These people are great and love me, but I have struggles that I face daily that they do not know about. Lately those struggles have intensified. Things have been good for the last couple years for me. While there are points that have sucked (no steady job, living with family instead of on my own, being single for part of that time, etc.) it has been over-all good. I say that because I look at my life before and it sucked back then. I have had to face depression, suicide, binge eating, anorexia, insomnia, ADHD, health problems, bullying, addictions, self acceptance, family struggles, deaths, poor body image, cutting, people pleasing, poor self image, and a lack of love for myself. I know that can sound like a lot, but I didn't have to deal with all those at once. I faced these demons over the years. I'm a fighter. I come up against something and I will fight my way past it. That fighting spirit is what has kept me going all these years.
It was a couple years ago that I really started making changes in my life. I had some insight about myself and things I was doing that I knew I had to change. Most of this came after my last suicide attempt. These changes helped me get to a better place in life. Most of my past demons where just that, in the past. While I would get down, I hadn't been depressed. I was eating good. I was improving my relationships with others to more healthy ones. I was taking control of my life. Then I realized I was bisexual. That experience with the Lord helped me and brought me to a new level of moving forward and applying the atonement in my life. Things were going great!
But recently there wasn't just a slip or even a fall, but a complete drop or dive into the dark. My demons yanked me back down. I was facing them for the first time in years. I also had all of them come back to hit me all at once. It has been one of the darkest times that I have known facing these problems. But I feel that the progress I have made recently has helped me. This time I have been given upgrades in my armour and skill levels and my fighting ability to combat them (my weak attempt at video game reference/humor- I'm so NOT a gamer). I am not in a position of risk right now, it has been hard and draining. Many people in my life do not know about some of these demons I face. Some of them choose to be ignorant with them. I have told them and we have talked about it, but they refuse to believe me or face the problems I have. I also so not feel there is someone I can completely confide in to help me with my issues. I have many fixers in my life and most of them want to jump right in and start fixing before I am finished telling them my problems, and some jump in before I can actually begin telling my problems. There are few people that will actually listen to me. This is why I have chosen to go by the name Lonely Boy. I feel lonely in my life without someone that I can really talk to and be completely myself and feel loved and appreciated. Sometimes I don't even feel that way with myself.
The one that I turn to the most and helps me the most is my Savior, Jesus Christ. Leaning on Him and seeking His help, along with my Heavenly Father, I have been able to do great things. However, it could really help and make a great difference if there was someone physically present in my life. Until then though, I will keep fighting my fight. I will get through this and everything else that comes my way, whether I have someone help me or not. I know this because I have seen it done before and I have faith in Jesus Christ and His atonement. I know that the Lord will not give me anything I cannot handle (apparently I can handle a lot). As I go through the hard times I may not be the best blogger, but I will continually be a fighter. So all I have to say (with my fists clenched, stance firm, arms up) is "Bring it!"
Much love,
Lonely Boy
From my posts you may think that I would not need to go by the name Lonely Boy. I have a girlfriend that is sticking by my side through this struggle, I have a family that I am close to, I have great friends and extended family that have been loving and supportive (for the most part). Why am I lonely? The reason for this is that even though I have great people in my life there still are times that I feel completely alone. Lately this has been the case. I see my girlfriend almost daily. I live with family and interact with them on a daily basis. I attend a group focused on same-gender attraction weekly and have many friends there. I am a very social person, so much so that my entire October was booked with events and such. But there are times that I feel completely alone and isolated in my life.
These people are great and love me, but I have struggles that I face daily that they do not know about. Lately those struggles have intensified. Things have been good for the last couple years for me. While there are points that have sucked (no steady job, living with family instead of on my own, being single for part of that time, etc.) it has been over-all good. I say that because I look at my life before and it sucked back then. I have had to face depression, suicide, binge eating, anorexia, insomnia, ADHD, health problems, bullying, addictions, self acceptance, family struggles, deaths, poor body image, cutting, people pleasing, poor self image, and a lack of love for myself. I know that can sound like a lot, but I didn't have to deal with all those at once. I faced these demons over the years. I'm a fighter. I come up against something and I will fight my way past it. That fighting spirit is what has kept me going all these years.
It was a couple years ago that I really started making changes in my life. I had some insight about myself and things I was doing that I knew I had to change. Most of this came after my last suicide attempt. These changes helped me get to a better place in life. Most of my past demons where just that, in the past. While I would get down, I hadn't been depressed. I was eating good. I was improving my relationships with others to more healthy ones. I was taking control of my life. Then I realized I was bisexual. That experience with the Lord helped me and brought me to a new level of moving forward and applying the atonement in my life. Things were going great!
But recently there wasn't just a slip or even a fall, but a complete drop or dive into the dark. My demons yanked me back down. I was facing them for the first time in years. I also had all of them come back to hit me all at once. It has been one of the darkest times that I have known facing these problems. But I feel that the progress I have made recently has helped me. This time I have been given upgrades in my armour and skill levels and my fighting ability to combat them (my weak attempt at video game reference/humor- I'm so NOT a gamer). I am not in a position of risk right now, it has been hard and draining. Many people in my life do not know about some of these demons I face. Some of them choose to be ignorant with them. I have told them and we have talked about it, but they refuse to believe me or face the problems I have. I also so not feel there is someone I can completely confide in to help me with my issues. I have many fixers in my life and most of them want to jump right in and start fixing before I am finished telling them my problems, and some jump in before I can actually begin telling my problems. There are few people that will actually listen to me. This is why I have chosen to go by the name Lonely Boy. I feel lonely in my life without someone that I can really talk to and be completely myself and feel loved and appreciated. Sometimes I don't even feel that way with myself.
The one that I turn to the most and helps me the most is my Savior, Jesus Christ. Leaning on Him and seeking His help, along with my Heavenly Father, I have been able to do great things. However, it could really help and make a great difference if there was someone physically present in my life. Until then though, I will keep fighting my fight. I will get through this and everything else that comes my way, whether I have someone help me or not. I know this because I have seen it done before and I have faith in Jesus Christ and His atonement. I know that the Lord will not give me anything I cannot handle (apparently I can handle a lot). As I go through the hard times I may not be the best blogger, but I will continually be a fighter. So all I have to say (with my fists clenched, stance firm, arms up) is "Bring it!"
Much love,
Lonely Boy
Thursday, October 18, 2012
The True Nature of People in Coming Out
In the coming out process I have been able to learn about the true nature of people. Some of it has made me happy, others have made me sad.
My primary concern has been my circle of people I'm close to. I didn't want them to hear about my bisexuality from someone else. I thought it would hurt our relationship more if that happened than me talking to them directly. So I started meeting with them and calling them. I didn't think there would be any problems with them and their reactions to my news. As I talked to all of them, so far (I'm still in the process of getting with them all), they have all been supportive, loving, accepting and have been open and honest. I have had no problems with any of them. They have all realized the truth of the situation: I am the same person I have always been, I'm not changing into someone new, our relationships are still strong, I didn't choose this and this doesn't make me less of a person. They were open with their thoughts towards me and I was open with them. They asked questions and I answered honestly. It has been a good process to learn how good these people are that I have been friends with.
On the other hand I have encountered some people that have not been such great people. My girlfriend's family has not been as receptive. To my face they act friendly and happy but when I'm not there they have a different attitude. When I'm around I can feel the tension and the weariness. I can feel how uncomfortable they are with me. When I'm not around they have tried to convince my girlfriend to get out of the relationship. They have made jokes about being gay. They look down on me and have a problem with everything homosexual. Their true nature has been shown.
*I do have to say that her sister that I've been friends with for a while and her parents have been good and understanding about it.
I have also experienced some tension with my family. They are processing it but are still not great with everything. My mom wants to help me with what she can so it will help "cure" me. Some of them don't talk about it, like it doesn't exist. I love my family and they are doing their best, but it still is a process and they have a ways to go.
The coming out process has been a hard and trying process that has changed some of my relationships and I have lost some friends. But I have seen the good in people. I have experienced the true nature of people and how they are true Christians. This process is a struggle but as I go through it I have been able to find my true friends. I am also able to see the strength I have in myself. Facing the discrimination, rejection and hate is never an easy thing. But for me I have grown in the process and been able to handle what has come my way. I'm so grateful for the strength and blessings The Lord has provided me for this journey.
Much love to you all.
Lonely Boy
My primary concern has been my circle of people I'm close to. I didn't want them to hear about my bisexuality from someone else. I thought it would hurt our relationship more if that happened than me talking to them directly. So I started meeting with them and calling them. I didn't think there would be any problems with them and their reactions to my news. As I talked to all of them, so far (I'm still in the process of getting with them all), they have all been supportive, loving, accepting and have been open and honest. I have had no problems with any of them. They have all realized the truth of the situation: I am the same person I have always been, I'm not changing into someone new, our relationships are still strong, I didn't choose this and this doesn't make me less of a person. They were open with their thoughts towards me and I was open with them. They asked questions and I answered honestly. It has been a good process to learn how good these people are that I have been friends with.
On the other hand I have encountered some people that have not been such great people. My girlfriend's family has not been as receptive. To my face they act friendly and happy but when I'm not there they have a different attitude. When I'm around I can feel the tension and the weariness. I can feel how uncomfortable they are with me. When I'm not around they have tried to convince my girlfriend to get out of the relationship. They have made jokes about being gay. They look down on me and have a problem with everything homosexual. Their true nature has been shown.
*I do have to say that her sister that I've been friends with for a while and her parents have been good and understanding about it.
I have also experienced some tension with my family. They are processing it but are still not great with everything. My mom wants to help me with what she can so it will help "cure" me. Some of them don't talk about it, like it doesn't exist. I love my family and they are doing their best, but it still is a process and they have a ways to go.
The coming out process has been a hard and trying process that has changed some of my relationships and I have lost some friends. But I have seen the good in people. I have experienced the true nature of people and how they are true Christians. This process is a struggle but as I go through it I have been able to find my true friends. I am also able to see the strength I have in myself. Facing the discrimination, rejection and hate is never an easy thing. But for me I have grown in the process and been able to handle what has come my way. I'm so grateful for the strength and blessings The Lord has provided me for this journey.
Much love to you all.
Lonely Boy
Monday, October 8, 2012
Going Public with My Sexuality
My plan originally was to only come out to my family and my girlfriend but that soon changed.
As I was going about dealing with the coming out process with my family I kept looking things up that could be of use to them and me. While I had come to terms with things as a whole and felt comfortable with where I was and where I was headed I still felt I needed more information to help me through this process. I was also meeting and getting to know more people in the LGBT community. In this process I found many stories of people struggling with reconciling their beliefs and their sexuality. I found many myths and negative views and such about homosexuality. It made me sad and frustrated.
This was when I felt that I needed to do something. So after much thought and soul searching I decided that I would start making my story more public. I would help add my voice to those that are out there to help others. I feel that the more there is discussion about these issues the more the facts can come out. It can also help with the way people are treated. It can not only help those that are straight to learn about being LGBT but also those that are struggling with it and coming to terms with their sexuality. I especially thought that it could help in the Mormon community. Help erase some of the hate. I thought it could also show that you can reconcile both sexuality and beliefs and be a bisexual Mormon.
I knew there would be consequences of this decision but I felt the positive outweighed the negative. While now I'm writing anonymously I am doing this because I am currently not in a position to reveal my identity due to my current circumstances in life. One day I may be able to reveal my identity without problems but at this point I can only do what I'm able to.
I also am in the process of coming out to those I'm close to and I want to be the one to tell them and not have them hear it from a third party.
As I was going about dealing with the coming out process with my family I kept looking things up that could be of use to them and me. While I had come to terms with things as a whole and felt comfortable with where I was and where I was headed I still felt I needed more information to help me through this process. I was also meeting and getting to know more people in the LGBT community. In this process I found many stories of people struggling with reconciling their beliefs and their sexuality. I found many myths and negative views and such about homosexuality. It made me sad and frustrated.
This was when I felt that I needed to do something. So after much thought and soul searching I decided that I would start making my story more public. I would help add my voice to those that are out there to help others. I feel that the more there is discussion about these issues the more the facts can come out. It can also help with the way people are treated. It can not only help those that are straight to learn about being LGBT but also those that are struggling with it and coming to terms with their sexuality. I especially thought that it could help in the Mormon community. Help erase some of the hate. I thought it could also show that you can reconcile both sexuality and beliefs and be a bisexual Mormon.
I knew there would be consequences of this decision but I felt the positive outweighed the negative. While now I'm writing anonymously I am doing this because I am currently not in a position to reveal my identity due to my current circumstances in life. One day I may be able to reveal my identity without problems but at this point I can only do what I'm able to.
I also am in the process of coming out to those I'm close to and I want to be the one to tell them and not have them hear it from a third party.
Friday, October 5, 2012
My First Coming Out
Once I had figured out where I stood on things I knew the next step was to come out to people. Before figuring out that I was bisexual I always heard about people coming out to others and I thought it was stupid. I didn't have any problem with their sexuality but didn't see the point in them having to state and tell everyone what it was. Then I came to terms with mine.
If you are straight you don't have to announce your sexuality. You date and move through life normally. But if you aren't then if you were to move through life normally people would have a problem. That is what I learned going through this. The coming out process is somewhat for the person but more for those he/she is coming out to. It is a way for them to know what is going on in the person's life.
Coming out to someone is always hard. You may know the person real well but there is always a question of how they are going to react. If they have never gone through something like this before you always have questions about how they will take the news. There is a risk of rejection and rejection from those that you are closest to is really hard. The thought of it as a possibility is a tough thing to deal with. You always hope for the best but you expect the worst to prepare yourself for that rejection.
For me I wanted to talk about this whole process with someone from the get go. But I didn't know who to talk to. I felt that everyone around me wouldn't get what I was going through or would try to influence me one way or another and I didn't want that. I wanted to find the path that I felt was best for me. So as I saw my family and my girlfriend and other close friends over the first few weeks I would die inside because I knew I couldn't talk to them. One way I process things I go through in life is to talk about them with someone. The act of talking about it, for me, helps me focus my mind and I can think clearer. But I can't just talk out loud to myself. I have to talk to someone. But I couldn't. So I restrained and did my best.
I found a local group that met. I decided to check it out to see if it would be a good thing for me or not. It was nice going there the first time. I felt welcomed and supported. I was able to finally talk out loud to someone. That helped me somewhat. But after a few weeks I knew I would have to come out to my family.
I tried feeling them out. I knew where they stood on gay people in general, they were pretty conservative, but I wasn't sure how they would react to someone directly in their lives. To get a little more practice in I decided to first tell my friend and former mission companion. I had recently reconnected with him on Facebook and found out that he was out as a gay man. But I wasn't sure where he stood with the church and wasn't sure how he would react with me wanting to stay active in the church. But I finally called him. He reacted well and said he knew that was why I was calling. He had known since the mission but knew I wasn't ready. He was supportive and a great friend.
The following week I knew I needed to talk to my family. I started by first coming out to my youngest brother. He and I have been close for years. I just felt that he would be the one for me to come out to first. I arranged with him to meet and we then went for a drive. We talked about stuff as we drove. Once we parked I struggled to tell him. I kept hedging and finally I told him. It all came out in a blubbering mess. I'm not a crier so when I do it isn't pretty. But we sat and talked for a while. I told him about everything. The hardest part for him was the anticipation from my build up. But he expressed his love and support of me.
The next day I was with my girlfriend and it came out. We had a long chat about it. We talked about our relationship and determined that it didn't change anything. I wasn't a blubbering mess this time. I did get a little emotional but I didn't outright cry. She was loving and supportive. She knew something was going on and after we talked she said she felt better.
The day after that I got together with my sister. We talked and I was able to be pretty composed. She took it pretty well too. I figured I wouldn't have too much of a problem with my youngest brother and sister. They are pretty loving and accepting of people, even if they disagree with the person.
The following day, on Wednesday, I decided I was on a roll and just bite the bullet and talk to my other brother. I was nervous to talk to him because he is pretty homophobic. He does not like homosexual people and has very negative reactions to them. I went to his place that night and we talked. We caught up on life and then I told him. I kept things very composed and matter of fact. He was shocked but as we talked his parting thought was the summary of everything. He said, "Just like you can't change how you feel I can't change the way I feel. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that we are family and family comes first." He didn't freak out. He didn't get hateful. He was loving and listened and made sure he knew that as a brother he was there for me.
I was happy. I didn't think my family would react this well. But I knew the next step was my parents. I set up a time for Sunday. When that came I went to their house and we sat down and talked. I came prepared with literature and scriptures and my thoughts and knowledge. We talked and I shared my experiences with this process. They asked questions and then my dad lectured. He is a lecturer. He likes to lecture us kids. He likes to try to teach us so we can avoid problems in our lives. It comes from his love for us. He had many great ideas and thoughts that I thought about and looked at to see if it applied to my life or not. They were not what many would classify as supportive but they were loving and let me know they were there for me.
I had finally done it. I had come out to my family and my girlfriend. I had no plans to tell anyone else. I figured that was all that I had to tell. Later I figured it was not the case but I was in a good place and ready to move on. While my family didn't jump up and embrace the whole LGBT community and such I was happy with how they reacted. They were not negative or hateful. And the one thing that was always there was their love for me.
If you are straight you don't have to announce your sexuality. You date and move through life normally. But if you aren't then if you were to move through life normally people would have a problem. That is what I learned going through this. The coming out process is somewhat for the person but more for those he/she is coming out to. It is a way for them to know what is going on in the person's life.
Coming out to someone is always hard. You may know the person real well but there is always a question of how they are going to react. If they have never gone through something like this before you always have questions about how they will take the news. There is a risk of rejection and rejection from those that you are closest to is really hard. The thought of it as a possibility is a tough thing to deal with. You always hope for the best but you expect the worst to prepare yourself for that rejection.
For me I wanted to talk about this whole process with someone from the get go. But I didn't know who to talk to. I felt that everyone around me wouldn't get what I was going through or would try to influence me one way or another and I didn't want that. I wanted to find the path that I felt was best for me. So as I saw my family and my girlfriend and other close friends over the first few weeks I would die inside because I knew I couldn't talk to them. One way I process things I go through in life is to talk about them with someone. The act of talking about it, for me, helps me focus my mind and I can think clearer. But I can't just talk out loud to myself. I have to talk to someone. But I couldn't. So I restrained and did my best.
I found a local group that met. I decided to check it out to see if it would be a good thing for me or not. It was nice going there the first time. I felt welcomed and supported. I was able to finally talk out loud to someone. That helped me somewhat. But after a few weeks I knew I would have to come out to my family.
I tried feeling them out. I knew where they stood on gay people in general, they were pretty conservative, but I wasn't sure how they would react to someone directly in their lives. To get a little more practice in I decided to first tell my friend and former mission companion. I had recently reconnected with him on Facebook and found out that he was out as a gay man. But I wasn't sure where he stood with the church and wasn't sure how he would react with me wanting to stay active in the church. But I finally called him. He reacted well and said he knew that was why I was calling. He had known since the mission but knew I wasn't ready. He was supportive and a great friend.
The following week I knew I needed to talk to my family. I started by first coming out to my youngest brother. He and I have been close for years. I just felt that he would be the one for me to come out to first. I arranged with him to meet and we then went for a drive. We talked about stuff as we drove. Once we parked I struggled to tell him. I kept hedging and finally I told him. It all came out in a blubbering mess. I'm not a crier so when I do it isn't pretty. But we sat and talked for a while. I told him about everything. The hardest part for him was the anticipation from my build up. But he expressed his love and support of me.
The next day I was with my girlfriend and it came out. We had a long chat about it. We talked about our relationship and determined that it didn't change anything. I wasn't a blubbering mess this time. I did get a little emotional but I didn't outright cry. She was loving and supportive. She knew something was going on and after we talked she said she felt better.
The day after that I got together with my sister. We talked and I was able to be pretty composed. She took it pretty well too. I figured I wouldn't have too much of a problem with my youngest brother and sister. They are pretty loving and accepting of people, even if they disagree with the person.
The following day, on Wednesday, I decided I was on a roll and just bite the bullet and talk to my other brother. I was nervous to talk to him because he is pretty homophobic. He does not like homosexual people and has very negative reactions to them. I went to his place that night and we talked. We caught up on life and then I told him. I kept things very composed and matter of fact. He was shocked but as we talked his parting thought was the summary of everything. He said, "Just like you can't change how you feel I can't change the way I feel. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that we are family and family comes first." He didn't freak out. He didn't get hateful. He was loving and listened and made sure he knew that as a brother he was there for me.
I was happy. I didn't think my family would react this well. But I knew the next step was my parents. I set up a time for Sunday. When that came I went to their house and we sat down and talked. I came prepared with literature and scriptures and my thoughts and knowledge. We talked and I shared my experiences with this process. They asked questions and then my dad lectured. He is a lecturer. He likes to lecture us kids. He likes to try to teach us so we can avoid problems in our lives. It comes from his love for us. He had many great ideas and thoughts that I thought about and looked at to see if it applied to my life or not. They were not what many would classify as supportive but they were loving and let me know they were there for me.
I had finally done it. I had come out to my family and my girlfriend. I had no plans to tell anyone else. I figured that was all that I had to tell. Later I figured it was not the case but I was in a good place and ready to move on. While my family didn't jump up and embrace the whole LGBT community and such I was happy with how they reacted. They were not negative or hateful. And the one thing that was always there was their love for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)