Taking On Prop 8

Sorry I haven't been on in a while.  I am alive. Things have just gotten crazy busy. I have gotten involved in the leadership of a group that I attend. In that process I will be making a video talking about my experiences.  Knowing this I have decided to go completely public with my sexuality. I have seen many friends do this over the last few weeks and I decided that I will make a video to come out to everyone.  Film is what I excel at so I figured that I would do it that way to come out. That way I can do it my way and so people can hear it in my voice. Hopefully it can dive home the points I am trying to make a little more. But I have been working on the video for a while now.

Those things and work and relationships and everything else have all come at once. My family is not happy with my decision to go public. It has caused some friction there. I have also been going through a rough time with my girlfriend. I am finding that relationships are hard. I'm hoping that we can work through things. (I'm not going to go into the details because they are things that any relationship may struggle with and I want this blog to be more focused on other stuff than normal relationship issues- or at least this post.)  Those have kept me very busy.

So because I had so much on my plate I decided I wasn't busy enough and I auditioned for a play and got a part. It is a dramatic reading of the play "8". It is based on the court proceedings of the Proposition 8 case in California. It is a cool play and I'm excited to be in it. I am playing one of the gay couples. I know that I should have more of a stand on this issue, but I personally don't really have a stand. I haven't taken a side yet. I have compelling reasons to take either side. I'm not a fence sitter I just haven't gotten a personal conviction to either side yet. I know it will come. I end up choosing a side. But right now I haven't. But no matter which side you fall on the issue the information that is presented in the play is very informative and interesting. Plus I am happy to get back into acting. It is a passion of mine that I enjoy and haven't been able to do much of it since high school. At my first rehearsal I realized how good I am. I'm not trying to sound cocky or prideful but I realized that I was one of the top actors in the cast. But I shouldn't be surprised. I have been successfully acting a different person my whole life.

While I may be absent from posts for a little while I will give updates. Things are busy, hard and crazy, but overall good. I'm getting to a good place in life. Finally.

Testimony Builder

So several of my posts have been about my struggles and the challenges that I face. Today I wanted to post something that has a different tone. One of gratitude, faith, hope, belief and love.

Today was Testimony meeting at church. (For those that don't know, that is when members from the congregation go up to the pulpit and share their beliefs in a testimony.) I always enjoy these meetings in singles wards. They are filled with the spirit. Today was no exception. As I sat there I was so grateful for my knowledge and my beliefs. I know that this is the gospel of Jesus Christ. I also know that this is where I'm meant to be. My life may take its twists and turns, but staying rooted in the gospel is where I want to be.

As people shared their testimonies bits stuck out to me in almost all of them. I was reminded of my ancestors. I come from many lines of great, strong, noble people. I have the blood of fighters, survivors, peacemakers, game-changers, revolutionists and trailblazers. They have accomplished many things over the course of history. Some in the history books and are well known, others known simply to the circle of people they knew in this life. But their blood courses through my veins. Their legacy lives on in me. As I live my life, share my experiences, reach out and love those around me I can make them proud of what I am doing with the life and the legacy I carry on for them.

I was also grateful for answered prayers. I have been struggling with many things and changes in my life lately. I have been praying about many of these things. Today I got some answers. The Lord gives us the answers to our prayers when we need them. Notice I said NEED them and not WANT them. One of the things that I have been trying to decide if I should do it or not is to come out completely. This is a huge things that I have been struggling back and forth with for months now. Someone in their testimony said that motivation by fear is from Satan. It is to act with motivation through faith that we can do God's will. As I have been debating whether or not to do this I realized that I had been given my answer. Well it was more like, "I already told you what I want. Why keep praying when you have your answer? Now will you just do what I asked already?" I realized that I had been given my answer months ago and that it has been my fear holding me back from acting upon it. I even know how I will do it. I am going to stay true to who I am and make a movie. (That is one thing about me is that I am a filmmaker. I don't do it professionally, but it is my primary creative medium.) I will make a documentary of my dealings, learnings, changes, what has stayed the same, answer questions and show my story, perspective and life experiences. While I write this blog (and I know my writing isn't bad) my true passion and where I really shine is with a camera. So I will stay true to who I am, even with this.

I was also impressed today with the reminder that Thomas S. Monson is the prophet. Over the years that he has been serving as the prophet and president of the church I have had several experiences that have shaped my testimony of him and his calling. I am grateful for him and all that he does leading this church.

It is these beliefs and many others that make up my testimony. These experiences and others are things that I cannot deny and cast aside. That is why I choose to remain active in this church. That is why I make the choices that I do. Not because of others, but because I choose it. This is my life and I want the path that I choose. And I choose this path. I know that these things are true. This is my testimony that I share with all of you today, in Jesus Christ's name.

Much love,

Lonely Boy

Unexpected Struggles

One thing about my posts is that I will be completely honest. If a question is asked I will answer it honestly. I may choose to not answer it if I feel it is too personal or something like that, but I will answer honestly. I will also be completely honest with my experiences. I feel that it is important to be honest so that others that may be struggling with similar things or those that know people that are dealing with similar issues can know that they are not alone.

My current girlfriend is my second relationship that I have had in my whole life. My first one was just over a month and never got that serious. I have been dating my girlfriend since June of last year. If you have read my blog you will hopefully see how supportive she has been. I like her and am committed to the relationship, but recently I have had some experiences that have thrown me for a loop. I got a crush on a guy. Now I am just new to relationships and I didn't know what to do. Do people get crushes while in a relationship? Does this mean the end of the relationship? Is this normal? I haven't had too much advice from others in this area of dating. My friends would date and that was that. I'm the oldest so I didn't have any older siblings to look to for dating examples. they never covered this on Friends, Boy Meets World, She's All That or While You Were Sleeping. The only thing that was shown in TV or movies is that if someone else came along then the person left the person they were with and got with the other person. I was afraid that if that is how it worked that marriage would be a nightmare. So I turned to the only person that I knew could give me good advice: my brother. I went to him about the feelings I had. I figured to address that first and deal with the person I had feelings for later. Talking to him he assured me that it was normal and natural. He said feelings come up, but it is what you do about them that matter. I had no intention of cheating or suddenly ending things. I felt reassured about that. I could handle these feelings as they came up in whatever relationship I was in then while remaining committed to my partner.

The next thing I had to deal with was the fact that the person I had a crush on was a guy. Now I have been attracted to guys before. I have thought that plenty of them were cute. But I hadn't had any feelings for any guy that I would want to start a relationship with them. Until now. I had recently met this guy and things were fine at first. I thought he was cute, but left it at that. Then I was hit with a crush. My dating had been pretty complicated for the last few years. (In the back of my mind I had been holding out for a few specific girls that I was not able to date at the time and those thoughts and feelings prevented me from developing feelings for others.) I had not had a crush in quite some time. I had almost forgotten what it felt like: the rush of butterflies when you see them, the way they light up the world around you, how they seem to make everything better, the immediate smile and happiness that comes when you think of them. It was nice to feel those feelings again. Now I know many of you are probably thinking "What about your girlfriend?" With her our relationship slowly developed out of friendship. There wasn't that rush moment. It has slowly built over time.

To give a little more background, things started changing about a month and a half ago. When I was figuring out where I stood with everything I realized that not only was I physically attracted to guys, but I could also see myself in a relationship with them. But I hadn't had feelings. I think I never allowed myself to have those feelings. But about a month and a half ago I had a dream that threw me for a loop. In my dream I was boating with some friends. I was sitting on the back of the boat helping a friend get in the boat after skiing and he suddenly kissed me. I got so excited in the dream that it woke me up! I had never had that happen before. Never had just the excitement of a kiss in a dream caused me to wake up. Now the guy that kissed me in my dream is a friend that is in a relationship with another guy. They are good friends and I would never do anything to hurt their relationship. But that is what happened. In the dream he also had longer hair than he does in real life. That threw me for a loop.

Shortly there after I met the guy that I now have the crush on. After realizing that I had a crush on him I realized that he looks more like the guy from my dreams than my friend I thought it was. I would try not to think of him, but it wouldn't work. Every time a song came on or someone would do something that would be couple related he would pop up in my mind. I didn't know what to do. This then brought up a whole other dilemma: I had thought that things would be fine not dating guys, but with these new feelings I wondered if I could only date girls. It scared me. If I wasn't dating someone right now, would I try dating guys? Would I be able to only date girls if this relationship didn't work out? So many questions and mixed feelings and emotions. Fortunately I had a friend to turn to. He is also bi and, like me, a 3 on the Kinsey Scale. (The Kinsey Scale is a rating system on how straight or gay you are. A 0 is completely straight with no feelings for the same sex, while a 6 is completely gay with no feelings for the opposite sex. A 3 is right in the middle with feeling even for both sexes.) As we talked I realized that I'm not alone in these feelings. I see so many people that portray one side or the other, or lean more to one or the other, that I forget that there are others like me. For those that are struggling with this concept of being a 3 think of it this way: Take the people you are attracted to (you aren't attracted to every single person in that group- be it male or female- just a portion). For me it is the same, with the exception that half of that group are guys and the other half are girls. This made me realize the full extent of what my bisexuality meant. The fact that these feelings for both genders can come up can be a bit to deal with. Talking to my friend I was able to start sorting those thoughts and feelings out.

This then lead me to the next stage in the crush, my crushing. I found out that this guy is dating someone. I felt crushed. And I couldn't talk to anyone. Now I hadn't planned on pursuing him, but it still hurt. I was and am committed to my girlfriend and trying to work out our issues to move forward. But almost everyone I know is either in love with my girlfriend and devoted to her or I can't talk about my feeling for a guy to them. So I had to deal with this heartache on my own. I still worry if I am single would I be able to resist dating a guy.

I am committed to the gospel and believe it and will follow it. My experiences in life have solidified this. But a part of me worries. I want a wife and kids. I want all the things that come with that in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am one that looks at things with a realistic view. I know that I could never say that I will be firm in the gospel my whole life. I know that I cannot make absolute statements. I can't guarantee anything. But I can work at things. I can say that I will strive to do my best. That is all I can do. Hopefully that best will keep me where I want to be, but I have seen strong men and women fall because the slacked in one area or another. Will I only date girls? I can't say for sure. One thing I do know is that I will continue to try to live the gospel standards and stay close to The Lord and follow His will. That is all anyone can do is their best and hopefully I will be able to stay on that path.

Much love,

Lonely Boy

Projections

Recently the theme of projecting has come up in my life. It has been a reoccurring topic in conversations I've been having with several people. It was even mentioned in a recent episode of Glee that I saw watched part if again (and that happened to be one of the parts and it was for a different reason I watched it). The idea that people project their personal feelings onto others is something I haven't given much thought to until tonight.

I was thinking about all these conversations and my situation. I live with my grandma and she doesn't know that I'm bi. She is of an old way of thinking and has a very negative, bigoted, racist and close-minded way of thinking. She is very much against anything to do remotely connected to homosexuality and takes any opportunity she can to bash it. Don't get me wrong, I love my grandma and she is a great lady. She just struggles at times with her compassion to others. This has been a source of struggle for me. Each time she says a negative comment I feel like she is taking a jab at me.

With all the conversations about projecting I've had I thought about her. I was thinking about how she projects her negative habits onto me. She talks about how I eat so poorly and eat lots if sweets and chocolate. She talks a lot about my sleeping habits and lack of exercise and such. I realized that she has been saying these things as a way of projecting her feelings toward herself onto me. It was a breakthrough. Then I realized I've been projecting some of my feelings onto her.

I have been blaming her for some of the negative feelings I've had about myself. I have projected the part of me that still isn't quite comfortable with myself and my same sex attraction onto her. I thought I was completely fine with all of that. While I am for the most part, I realized that my thoughts that I had previous to figuring out all of this about myself, that I have had for (undisclosed amount of) years don't go away over night. I still have to face those thoughts and feelings and work through them. I hadn't been able to because I was denying I had them and projecting them into my grandmother.

I feel that I can take steps forward now that I have come to this realization and start some more of the healing process. I can find ways to more fully love myself.

With that I say:

Much love,
Lonely Boy

Ostracism and Ogling

Being bi and Mormon comes with many challenges. In previous posts I have talked about a few of those challenges, some more in depth than others. Lately I have been dealing with the many struggles I face on a regular basis.

My girlfriend's family has not been the most supportive. I have had to deal with their behavior and treatment since they found out. I have been ostracized by several of them.  They talk about me behind my back, make jokes, look down at me and have even tried to break me and my girlfriend up. They have had family meetings without us to discuss things. My girlfriend has gotten word of these things and has been working with them the best she can. But not once has any of them decided to talk to me. Now I'm not throwing a tantrum like a child wanting attention. What I would like is that they talk to me about their questions and concerns. Talk to me about the problems they have. This is apparently too much to ask. They make a big deal about how I have changed and how I don't interact and talk to them like I used to. This is not because I have changed. It is because they have removed themselves from me. I have attempted conversation but have been met with stiffness and a wall. I do not see that I must continually beat on that wall just to get a little bit of attention from someone. If someone doesn't want to talk to me then I will not push myself continually just to get their leftover scraps of attention.

The other thing that I have been dealing with since I have come out has been the attention I have received. Now this can be seen as good attention. I have struggled with issues of my self-worth. I know that I'm not the most attractive person. I will be honest. I am not in the ugly classification, but I do not feel by any stretch of the imagination do I belong in the hot category. With that being said, lately I have had more attention shown me than I have had my whole life. I was always the consolation prize, the good friend, the brother, the one that the girls would "take one for the team" so their friend could be with the guy she wanted. I was always the wing man for my better looking friends. I was fine with this. I thought it would be nice if I got more, but this was where I was in life and I became ok with my lot in life. If I wanted to change I would have put more effort into improving myself. Then I came out. It was back in October that I started noticing people looking at me and making comments about how good I looked. I had both girls and gay guys flirting with me and eyeing me. I went to a gay club and for the first time in my life someone tried to pick up on me. Last night I was out to dinner with my girlfriend and the waiter kept eyeing me and flirting in little ways (mostly the looks he gave me). Now none of this have I reciprocated. I'm in a relationship and am faithful to her. I would never do that. But it has been something that I have found uncomfortable. You may read this and be like, "Oh you poor thing that you have to deal with people wanting you." For me it has been hard because I feel undesirable and when someone shows me otherwise I feel all my flaws are amplified in my brain and that they wouldn't want me if they knew the real me. I feel also that there is a part of them that is making fun of me by saying that. It amplifies my self image, and that is something that I don't have a good view of.

These things have been some of the things that have added to my struggles lately. They are some of the factors that have kept me awake at night fighting the depression and anxiety attacks off. This is some of the things that those of us that are trying to be faithful members of the LDS church deal with. Hopefully you can either find something to relate to or gain a new or enhanced perspective of what it is like to be attracted to the same gender you are and striving to be a worthy member of the church. If you feel you can relate, hang in there and stay strong.

Much love,

Lonely Boy

Failing and Fighting

I haven't posted lately because of struggles that I've been going through. My demons have been very strong lately and I don't want this blog to be all fluff and happy, optimistic posts but to be real and to show the real life of someone trying to navigate same sex attraction in the LDS Church.

Thanksgiving was not good for me. I have a problem that every time I go to family reunions I end up feeling depressed after. Much of it is the fact that I see all my family with their families and having what I want. This year was hard and I ran into some opposition to my same sex attraction. This lead to a night that I spent up trying to do everything I could to not kill myself. I couldn't go to sleep, as much as I tried. It was not a good night. But I made it through.

I also have been struggling with my eating lately. I have been eating horribly and too much lately. I have put on some more weight. With everything else that I'm dealing with I have been trying to not eat or eat as little as possible. I know anorexia is not good, but I have slipped into it. But I can't even do that right. I've been able to not eat most of the day (except around some people that would have a fit if they knew I wasn't eating). I have had some times that I've even messed up being anorexic. I have given in to eat and I wound up eating a lot. I know you might think that is good but to me I feel like I screwed up just another thing.

Now I tell you these things not to get extra attention or to get help in changing (because I'm stubborn and I'm the only person that can change my bad habits) but to let you know what some of the real struggles go on. The pressure and inner struggle of having same sex attraction can be very hard to deal with. I don't blame these current struggles completely on my same sex attraction, but it is one of the factors. I have been more vulnerable lately and that has been a struggle. I'm not used to being vulnerable. I have avoided it most of my life and vulnerability is not easy to accept, especially when rejection and opposition come. I am working at it but it doesn't come all at once. Also don't get too worried for me. I'm a fighter. I will not let myself go down without a fight.

Much love.

Lonely Boy

Why Lonely Boy

I'm sorry I have not posted recently. Things have been busy in my life, but I have had to deal with some other things beyond just lots to do. To elaborate on some of this will provide you an explanation of why I go by the name Lonely Boy.

From my posts you may think that I would not need to go by the name Lonely Boy. I have a girlfriend that is sticking by my side through this struggle, I have a family that I am close to, I have great friends and extended family that have been loving and supportive (for the most part). Why am I lonely? The reason for this is that even though I have great people in my life there still are times that I feel completely alone. Lately this has been the case. I see my girlfriend almost daily. I live with family and interact with them on a daily basis. I attend a group focused on same-gender attraction weekly and have many friends there. I am a very social person, so much so that my entire October was booked with events and such. But there are times that I feel completely alone and isolated in my life.

These people are great and love me, but I have struggles that I face daily that they do not know about. Lately those struggles have intensified. Things have been good for the last couple years for me. While there are points that have sucked (no steady job, living with family instead of on my own, being single for part of that time, etc.) it has been over-all good. I say that because I look at my life before and it sucked back then. I have had to face depression, suicide, binge eating, anorexia, insomnia, ADHD, health problems, bullying, addictions, self acceptance, family struggles, deaths, poor body image, cutting, people pleasing, poor self image, and a lack of love for myself. I know that can sound like a lot, but I didn't have to deal with all those at once. I faced these demons over the years. I'm a fighter. I come up against something and I will fight my way past it. That fighting spirit is what has kept me going all these years.

It was a couple years ago that I really started making changes in my life. I had some insight about myself and things I was doing that I knew I had to change. Most of this came after my last suicide attempt. These changes helped me get to a better place in life. Most of my past demons where just that, in the past. While I would get down, I hadn't been depressed. I was eating good. I was improving my relationships with others to more healthy ones. I was taking control of my life. Then I realized I was bisexual. That experience with the Lord helped me and brought me to a new level of moving forward and applying the atonement in my life. Things were going great!

But recently there wasn't just a slip or even a fall, but a complete drop or dive into the dark. My demons yanked me back down. I was facing them for the first time in years. I also had all of them come back to hit me all at once. It has been one of the darkest times that I have known facing these problems. But I feel that the progress I have made recently has helped me. This time I have been given upgrades in my armour and skill levels and my fighting ability to combat them (my weak attempt at video game reference/humor- I'm so NOT a gamer). I am not in a position of risk right now, it has been hard and draining. Many people in my life do not know about some of these demons I face. Some of them choose to be ignorant with them. I have told them and we have talked about it, but they refuse to believe me or face the problems I have. I also so not feel there is someone I can completely confide in to help me with my issues. I have many fixers in my life and most of them want to jump right in and start fixing before I am finished telling them my problems, and some jump in before I can actually begin telling my problems. There are few people that will actually listen to me. This is why I have chosen to go by the name Lonely Boy. I feel lonely in my life without someone that I can really talk to and be completely myself and feel loved and appreciated. Sometimes I don't even feel that way with myself.

The one that I turn to the most and helps me the most is my Savior, Jesus Christ. Leaning on Him and seeking His help, along with my Heavenly Father, I have been able to do great things. However, it could really help and make a great difference if there was someone physically present in my life. Until then though, I will keep fighting my fight. I will get through this and everything else that comes my way, whether I have someone help me or not. I know this because I have seen it done before and I have faith in Jesus Christ and His atonement. I know that the Lord will not give me anything I cannot handle (apparently I can handle a lot). As I go through the hard times I may not be the best blogger, but I will continually be a fighter. So all I have to say (with my fists clenched, stance firm, arms up) is "Bring it!"

Much love,

Lonely Boy